Fall of Atlantis: Insomnia
by Ognonamis
Summary: Things have gone horribly wrong. Atlantis is now lost and the remaining members of the Atlantis Expedition must take refuge on the mainland. Why is it that Colonel Sheppard cannot sleep? Some Shep Whumpage. Chapter 12 now up. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1.

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its original characters.

_I took a break from writing Artifact and I thought of this one. I have to warn you first……this is set in the somewhat distant future and in this first chapter, there are a lot of details missing but don't worry, they will be revealed. Also, Shep is a little, actually a lot OOC but there is a reason for that to but I'm going to delve into that more in the later chapters._

_There is some Shep whumpage but its not physical, its mental……if that makes any sense at all. So, I hope that you like it and im looking foreward to knowing what people think. Constructive criticism welcome but please don't be mean._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"John….you are still awake?" Teyla asked with a puzzled look on her face as she sat down next to him by the campfire.

"Can't sleep." John said. He looked over at Teyla and sighed. "I cant stop thinking about what happened." He had a helpless look on his face. Something she had never seen before and it had her concerned.

"John…..it is not your fault." Teyla said trying to reassure him but knowing that she would be unsuccessful. "You should not blame yourself for what happened."

John had a disappointed look on his face as he looked to the ground and shook his head. "I should have done more." He said just before stifling a yawn.

Teyla gently put a hand on his shoulder and looked at him with concerned eyes. "How long has it been since you've slept?"

"About three days." John said in a tired voice as he stared at the fire with unfocused eyes still thinking about what had happened on Atlantis.

"You should get some sleep." Teyla said as she stood up. "Dr. Weir is trying to get things straitened out so you should not worry about it."

"I'll sleep when I'm dead." John said as he got up and walked away leaving Teyla stunned and confused about his last comment. He seemed so depressed since they left Atlantis and she didn't know what to do to make him feel any better. Actually, she didn't really even know just how upset he really was because he never shared his feelings about thigs with anyone….especially her.

Teyla heard a hum from overhead and knew that Elizabeth was back from Atlantis. She had gone there to try and plead with them for their rightful spot back. They had been there for so long and then they were just uprooted for no reason and thrown out into the Pegasus Galaxy. Teyla desperately wanted to know if there was any progress made so she made her way to the jumper after it landed. When the back airlock opened up, Elizabeth stepped out onto the cold hard ground.

"Welcome back Dr. Weir." She said as Elizabeth walked towards her.

"It's good to be back." She replied to Teyla as she walked over to a nearby chair and sat down.

"Did you have any luck?" She asked her as she sat down in a chair next to her. She needed to hear some good news after the events of the past few days.

"Not yet." Elizabeth said. "I haven't given up yet though."

"That's good." Teyla said. "I do hope you succeed soon though……some of us are not taking the move from Atlantis very well."

"By some of us I assume you mean someone in particular." Elizabeth said as she looked over at John who was once again sitting in front of the fire.

"He has not slept in three days." Teyla said. "He keeps saying that he should've done more but we all know that it was impossible for that to happen." Teyla looked to the stars and sighed. "I just wish that there was some way that I could make him realize that none of this is his fault."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Alright John." Carson said as he walked over and stood beside him. "How about we have a look at that wound again."

"How 'bout not." John said as he continued to stare at the fire without moving a muscle.

"Look John…..that bandage has to be changed whether you like it or not, now are you going to follow me into that tent or am I going to have to drag you in kicking and screaming?" Carson said in a stern voice. "It's your choice."

"I guess I'll take the first choice." John said as he slowly got up and followed Carson into the medical tent.

"Hold on…..this may hurt a wee bit." Carson said as he pulled the bandage off slowly to reveal a nasty knife wound on the left hand side of his stomach.

John only flinched a couple of times when Carson was taking the bandage off. He was probably too busy preoccupied with thinking about what happened to Atlantis.

"Well…..this wound is healing up quite nicely." Carson said as he cleaned the wound and began to re-bandage it. "Well…..you're going to be just fine. I just want you to take it easy for a while until it heals fully." he quickly finished bandaging it.

"Will do doc." John said as he slowly and carefully sat up.

"I mean it John." Carson said in a stern voice making John turn his head and look at him for a minute.

"There's really nothing else I can do but take it easy so you don't have to worry about me over-exerting myself anytime soon." John said in a depressed voice just before walking out.

_Is he kidding? What the hell am I supposed to do here? Especially since he's got me just "taking it easy". god…why didn't I do something more to help keep atlantis? Why did we have to lose the city to them? That was the only place I've had to call home in a long time and now its gone. God Damnit!!!_

"John." Teyla said making his thoughts come to a screeching hault. "You okay?"

"Yeah." John said in an upset voice. "I was just thinking."

"You know……you should probably try to get some sleep." Teyla suggested and all he did was make an angry face.

"I don't want to sleep." John said. "Not until things are back to normal."

"John….what if things do not get back to normal as we all wish it to?" Teyla asked being rewarded with the same look as before. "What will you do if that happens? Will you not sleep for the rest of your life? It is not healthy."

"I don't care." John said as he walked over and sat in front of the fire again like he did before.

Teyla looked at him and sighed. _I don't know what is wrong with him. He will not tell me anything. All I know is that it has to do with us losing Atlantis. He will not tell me anything else. I do not know what he is thinking or what he is feeling and he is the one we need to help with running things around here. Oh well……he'll be this way in the morning too and im really tired so I think im going to go to bed._

Teyla didn't waste any time making her way to her tent to get some sleep. She didn't know if anyone else was going to sleep but she didn't care if they were or not. She was exhausted and needed the sleep bad.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Teyla awoke in the middle of the night to a disturbing sound. She heard someone outside sniff as though they were crying. Thinking the worst of who it might be outside, she slowly put a jacket on over her bare arms and tiptoed out of her tent. What she saw almost broke her heart because the man she always new to be so strong all the time, was actually breaking down to tears.

She did say anything to him, she just slowly walked up to him and put a gentle hand on his back. "Teyla…..what are you doing up?" he asked as he frantically tried to wipe the tears from his face.

"John……are you alright?" she asked in a compassionate voice.

He didn't say anything, he just sat there staring at the fire. He was about to get up and walk away when Teyla gently grabbed his arm. "Stay and talk to me for a little while."

John let out a long and loud sigh of frustration. "This is all my fault." he said as he wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his Atlantis jacket.

"John…….none of this is your fault and you know that." Teyla said as she put her hand back on her back and gently rubbed it.

"Yes it is." John said, his voice a little louder than before. "I should have never let those marines fight back. We should have just took the jumpers and left. Now, because of me, they're all dead."

"Is that what this is about?" Teyla said finally understanding where his odd mood was coming from. "John……you need to stop blaming yourself for what happened. It was not your fault. You did not shoot them."

"But if I could have just done something else…."

"John you were injured." Teyla said. "There is no way that you could've done anything to stop what happened." She could tell she wasn't making any headway. He hadn't had any sleep in three days and that was contributing to his mood also, but she couldn't convince him to get any sleep.

"It's all done anyway. They are all dead and Atlantis is in someone elses hands right now so there's nothing I can do." John said. The tears stopped falling from his eyes but he was still upset and she could tell.

"You should try to get some sleep anyway." Teyla said in a compassionate voice. She knew that he wouldn't want to but she suggested it anyway. "Once you get a good night sleep you will feel much better."

"Probably not but thanks for the concern." John said. "You should probably go back to bed. I know that I woke you up."

"It was no problem at all. You know that I will always be here." Teyla said. "Try to cheer up some." She gave him a gentle rub on the back and she walked off to her tent.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_So there is chapter one. I really hope that people like it. Its still in the works so if something doesnt make much sense, I plan on explaining it somehow, some way in another chapter._

**To be continued...**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its original characters.

_Thank you to those who reviewed. It's a little confusing right now but I plan on making everything make sense._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The next day had started off as any other day did on the mainland. After Teyla awoke to find John sitting in the same spot still awake, she immediately went to see Carson. When she walked into the medical tent, he was surprised and happy to see her all at the same time.

"Good morning Teyla. What can I do for ye?" He said with a smirk on his face.

"Do you have any kind of medicine that can help someone sleep?" She wasted no time in asking her question. Something had to be done.

"Are you having a hard time sleeping?" he asked curious about her question.

"No." She said. She sighed and continued to explain. "I am worried about John. He is depressed and withdrawn and I believe that sleep has something to do with it."

"Continue." Carson said with a concerned look on his face as he urged her to tell him more.

"He has not slept in over three days and…." She was cut short as Rodney walked into the tent.

"Three days…….good god, how does he manage to do anything?" Rodney said making Teyla react by giving him a stern look. She didn't want anyone to know that she went to see Carson about getting something for John to sleep. Rodney's expression changed when he saw the look on Teyla's face. "Fine…I'll come back later." he said just before walking out of the medical tent.

"Teyla, I understand your concern for him but he barely even lets me change the bandage on his wound, let alone give him something to make him sleep." Carson said with a regretful look on his face. "The man gets defensive if you even hint at him sleeping."

"There must be something we can do." Teyla said with a desperate look on his face.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Good morning John." Teyla said with a faint smile on her face. She didn't like seeing him like this. It wasn't like him to be depressed all the time. As far as being withdrawn, there was so much she didn't know about him because he never shared anything with her but she did feel like she made some headway the night before. He was always the one thinking positive about every situation and reminding everyone else to do the same but now he was the one thinking negative and everyone else was trying to get him to start acting like himself again. He slowly looked up to see her. He gave her a nod and looked toward the ground again.

"You coming over here to try and convince me to go to sleep again?" He asked her in a tired voice.

"No." She said. "I fear that it would make no difference." She looked down at the bowl of soup she had in her hand. "I actually thought you might be hungry."

John looked at the soup in her hand and gave her a puzzled look. "What is it?"

"It's Tuttle root soup." She said with a smile on her face. She knew that cooking wasn't her strong suit by a long shot but she was getting better. "I made it myself."

"I think I'll pass." John said in the same depressed tone as before.

"John please." Teyla said un-offended by his rejection of her soup but worried that he would not eat anything at all during the day without someone forcing him. "You must eat something."

He gave her an exhausted sigh and held out his hand. "Fine." he said as Teyla handed him the soup with an innocent smirk on her face. He gave her a depressed look when and then began eating his soup.

After eating for a few minutes, John noticed that he didn't feel right. "Teyla…..what did you put in this soup?" He asked but when he turned to look at her, she wasn't there. He set the soup down and stood up.

John swayed for a second while blackness began to threaten him with sleep. He blinked his eyes a few times to clear his vision and when he did, Carson and Teyla were heading towards him. "Teyla…..what did you……" He started to ask Teyla about what she put in the soup but blackness overcome him and he dropped. Carson and Teyla caught him before he could hit the ground.

"Okay, lets get him in the medical tent." Carson said to Teyla as they began dragging him, both with one arm over their shoulders trying to support his weight. Once they got him into the medical tent, they lied him down on a cot that was set up in one of the corners of the tent.

"Do you think we did the right thing?" Teyla asked with a worried look on her face.

"Aye…..I think we did love." He said with the same worried look on his face. "He may not be happy about it when he wakes up but it was for his own good."

Suddenly Elizabeth walked into the tent with a concerned look on her face. "I just saw John pass out…..what happened?" she said as she glanced over at John who was out cold.

"Aye…don't worry love. He's just sleeping." Carson said with a fairly confident look on his face.

"He finally went to sleep?" Elizabeth said with a hint of disbelief in her voice as she looked at John laying there. This was the same man who hadn't slept in three days and didn't want to go to sleep.

"I gave him something to help him sleep." Carson said looking over at Teyla who had a worried look on her face and then looking back at Elizabeth.

"You drugged him to sleep?" Elizabeth said with what Carson thought was disappointment in her voice. He held his breath and gave her a quick nod. "Good." she said with a smile of relief on her face. "He needs sleep more than any of us do right now." she paused and looked at Teyla. "You put it in his soup, didn't you?"

Teyla nodded with a worried look on her voice. "Yes I did." she gave her a long sigh. "I believe that we did the right thing though." She gave both Carson and Elizabeth a sad smile and walked out of the medical tent.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"So…..Rodney, how do we know that they aren't going to cause any more trouble outside of Atlantis?" Rodney turned to see Lieutenant Laura Cadman.

"I've already told you and everyone else that I disabled the DHD." Rodney said. "That means that they can't dial the gate." He gave her an annoyed look as he went back to doing something on his laptop.

"So what happens if they fix the DHD?" Laura asked with a concerned look on her face.

Rodney slammed something down on the table and turned back to see her sitting there with a smile on her face. "The only way they can fix it is if the have spare parts. I took the certain pieces off the DHD and then took them with me when we left."

"You're sure you didn't forget anything?" She asked purposely trying to annoy him. She knew that it was working too. She could tell by the look on his face.

"Yes……I mean no…….I mean….." Laura let out a loud laugh. Rodney gave her a scowling look. "Would you stop asking stupid questions?"

"Oh come on." Laura said with a smile on her face. "It's not like I have anything better to do……..you know…..being laid up like this." Rodney glanced at her crutches that she had laid next to the table and the heavily bandaged leg.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"_Colonel…..I've got one at 3 o'clock, and two at twelve o'clock." A young soldier said as she crouched down behind a crate labeled Atlantis._

"_Hold your position Lieutenant." John said over the radio in a quiet voice careful not to reveal her location. "There's too many of them. Hold your fire until reinforcements arrive."_

_Suddenly, the three people started coming towards her. They must have heard her voice because they were bearing down on her position fast. Suddenly John heard several gun shots. "Lieutenant?……Lieutenant?" John yelled._

_Then suddenly John was knocked to his knees by someone. He was hit in the head and the force was so powerful that black spots danced across his vision as he watched his P-90 fly out of his hands and across the floor. He turned to fight back but by the time he did, a cold had wrapped around his throat. "General………what are you doing?" he choaked out as he was picked up off the ground with no effort. John was trying desperately to come up with a plan on how to escape this one when he was slammed against the wall behind him making every bit of air in his lungs disappear._

_He coughed and tried desperately to pry the hand off his throat as he kicked his feet frantically hoping that he could weaken the general enough to release him. John could see when he looked into the eyes of the general that he was making no headway._

_Suddenly the general pulled out a knife and drove it into Johns stomach. Searing pain shot through the side of John stomach where the knife was making John black out._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Suddenly, John's eyes flew open and darted around his surroundings. A sigh of relief escaped lips as he realized that he wasn't on Atlantis. He was away from the chaos that had broke out in a matter of seconds.

"John." Teyla said noticing that he was awake.

He looked around a little bit more and then looked at her. "Teyla." he said with a hint of anger in his voice as he remembered passing out after eating her tuttle root soup as she insisted. "I told you I didn't want to sleep." he said as he slowly and carefully sat up on the cot. He stood up and walked a few feet away.

"John, it was for your own good." Teyla said. She didn't think it would make him feel any better about it. She and Carson had drugged him to sleep when he didn't want to be asleep.

"I told you…..I didn't want to go to sleep." John said, his voice getting a little louder.

"Why do you always want to be awake?" Teyla said in calm voice.

"Because." John said in a loud voice. He made a loud sigh and continued in almost a whisper. "I'm afraid of what I'll see when I close my eyes."

Teyla didn't know what to say to that. He was actually expressing his feelings and she wasn't used to that. She was so caught up thinking about what he had said to her that she didn't even realize that he had walked out of the medical tent altogether and left her alone. When she finally realized that he was gone, she took a deep breath and sat down.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"John?" Elizabeth said as she walked towards John. She couldn't believe that he was awake already. "John?" She repeated trying to get his attention.

John didn't say anything. He just turned his head to look at her. He took a deep breath and looked back at the ground. "John…..are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah…..just peachy." John said. "Now if you'll excuse me……I'd rather be alone right now."

"Fine." Elizabeth said in a soft tone just before getting up and walking off. John didn't want to drive everyone away but he just didn't want to be around anyone. Not after the dream that he had.

_Why can't I block it out? I did all that I could………but I'm the one that gave them the order to fight back. Why didn't I just give in? Then all of those people would still be alive. It's all my fault. _John ran his fingers through his hair with frustration.

"John…..are you okay?" Teyla said after she walked up beside him. Elizabeth had warned her about him not wanting to be around anyone but she didn't care.

"I'm fine." John said, still with a hint of anger in his voice.

"You do not look fine." Teyla said and his reaction was nothing like she expected it to be.

"Well, if people left me alone in the first place, I would be." John said in a much louder voice.

"John……what are you talking about?" Teyla asked know exactly what he was going to bring up.

"I told you…..just like I told everyone else that I didn't want to sleep." John said looking directly in her eyes with a fierce gaze. "Then I woke up in the medical tent after eating a bowl of your soup." He took a deep breath and was about to continue when Teyla was interrupted.

"John…..I was worried about you." Teyla said, her voice raised a little so he would pay attention. "As was everyone else here. You have not been acting like yourself lately and not having any sleep has something to do with it."

"But I told you…"

"That you don't want to sleep…..I know." She said in a slightly softer voice. "But you must sleep to survive." She quickly got up and walked away before the argument could go on any further.

John took a quick look around him. She was right. Everyone else was feeling fine and that was because they were all getting good night sleeps at night. He knew that she and Carson were only doing what was best for him. They were trying to force him to go to sleep because he needed it.

John took a deep breath. "I hate being wrong." He whispered to himself as he slowly got up. Without saying a word to anyone, he slowly made his way towards his tent. He thought that it would be best if he at least try to get a little sleep. Even if it were to make everyone else happy.

Once he got into his tent, he lied down on the soft ground He could already feel the darkness start to pull at him as he closed his eyes. Even though all of the previous unfortunate events had taken place, he was starting to relax a little.

After about fifteen or twenty minutes of laying there with his eyes closed, John finally drifted off to sleep.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_There you go. That is all of chapter 2. I really hope you liked it. I kinda ended it as if all of John's problems are over but there is a surprise coming. John is going to be opening up a whole lot more. I know some of the details like what happened to Atlantis are still left out but I did give a slight glimpse into that. There will be more details revealed throughout the upcoming chapters and there will hopefully be many. You may have seen the word "general" in this chapter referring to a person………that will be explained too. It will just take a little while to get all the finer details combed out._

_I know that John still seems OOC but there is a reason and as I just said, it will all be revealed in time. _

_I was a little worried about having Teyla slip John the sleeping drug in his soup……it kind of seemed OOC to me but I took the chance and put it in. I thought it might be a good little conflict between John and Teyla and it would give me some more stuff to build on. I'm very interested in hearing what people think about that. Please……tell me what you think so far, I'm anxious to find out what readers think so far._

To be continued……


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its original characters.

_So here is chapter three. There is going to be a little bit of whumpage in this chapter. Mostly mental stuff like before because I like to pick on Shep like many authors like me. Please tell me what you think._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Later one that day, everything was about as well as it could be given the circumstances everyone was under. Almost everyone who left Atlantis was injured in some way which kept Carson busy all the time. He was mostly worried about John though. Out of all of the injuries he had treated over the past few days, John's injury was the most severe.

He knew it that changing the dressing on John's wound was past due as he walked over to the table where Teyla had been sitting all by himself. "Teyla…….have you seen John anywhere?" he asked making her turn to look at him.

"I have not seen him since this afternoon." Teyla said with a bit of a sad look on her face. "I believe that he may be avoiding me."

"That's rubbish." Carson said. "Why would he be avoiding you?"

"He is angry about us drugging him to sleep like that." Teyla explained. She looked down at her bowl of soup. "We got into an argument and I have not seen him since."

"Well, if you see him, will you tell him that I'm looking for him?" Teyla gave him a nod and he walked away from her. Teyla was starting to get up to go look for John when she heard a hum from overhead. Elizabeth was back from trying to negotiate with the people who took over Atlantis for their rightful place there. Once she knew that the jumper had landed, she quietly made her way over to greet Elizabeth.

As the rear hatch on the jumper opened up, Elizabeth made her way out. "Hello Teyla." She said as she stepped out onto the ground and walked over to a nearby chair to sit down.

"Welcome back." Teyla said in a friendly voice. Elizabeth nodded with a smile on her face. "Did you have any luck this time?" She asked with a hopeful look on her face.

Elizabeth gave a long sigh of frustration. "Not yet." she looked around the campsite. "Where's John?" she asked thinking that it was a bit odd that he wasn't anywhere to be seen. Usually he was sitting around somewhere not talking to anyone.

"I do not know." Teyla said with a sad expression on her face.

Elizabeth could sense that something had happened between the two. "What happened?" she asked with a curious look on her face.

"When he woke up…..he got very angry and now he will not talk to me." Teyla said. "He is angry because Carson and I made him go to sleep when he didn't want to."

"I'm sure he will get over it soon enough." Elizabeth said in a calm voice.

"I hope so." Teyla said with the same sad expression on her face.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"_Hold your fire." John said in a firm voice over the radio. "They're our people." It seemed like he had been walking for hours trying to get back to the gate room. Suddenly, shots rang out in the gate room making him jump._

"_I told you to hold your fire!" John yelled into the radio._

"_They're firing on us Sir!" One of the marines yelled into the radio. John heard more shots being fired. After that, he didn't hear anything over the radio but the people doing the firing walking out of the room._

_John leaned up against the wall with his P-90 firmly in his hands, ready to be fired at any time._

"_Colonel Sheppard…there you are, we've been looking all over for you." A young captain said as he made his way towards him. His team was securing the area and covering his back. "Colonel……what's going on?"_

Teyla slowly pulled back the flap on John's tent. "John, are you….." Her sentence was cut off when she saw him laying down fast asleep. Finally, he was asleep and he went to sleep on his own. Suddenly, her smile disappeared when she saw John jerk his body to the side. He was having a nightmare. She could tell by the expression on his face. She slowly sat down on the ground next to him, careful not to disturb him.

_Shots rang out. John glimpsed around the corner and five young marines dropped to the floor. John got back behind the wall and continued what he was saying to the last young marine left in his presence. "Atlantis is under attack. Get to the Jumper bay now."_

_Suddenly the young marine's body jerked foreward and then went limp and dropped. John dropped his P-90 and caught the marine before he could hit the ground and slowly lowered his body to the floor. When he let go of the marine, he looked at his hands. They were covered with blood._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"No." John said as his eyes shot open. He was sweating and his heart was pounding. Suddenly, he felt a cool hand on his arm

"John……it is alright." Teyla said in a soothing voice. John sat up quick forgetting about his wound and quickly scanned his tent for possible threats. This continued for a few seconds until his eyes fell on Teyla.

"Teyla." John said in a surprised voice. "What are you doing here?" he asked as he put his hand on his side. His expression quickly turned to pain.

"Carson was looking for you….." she paused when she saw him in pain. "Are you okay?" she asked in a concerned voice.

John didn't answer her. He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Why can't I get it out of my head." John whispered out loud to himself.

"John?" Teyla said in an attempt to get his attention. There was still no response from him. She began to rub his shoulder to both get his attention and to console him. She could feel him trembling slightly under her hand. "John……are you okay?"

John slowly turned to look at her. The look on his face was so sad that it made her want to cry. He looked down at the ground and shook his head. Then without warning, he quickly stood up ignoring the throbbing pain in his side, and walked out of his tent to get some air. He must have been asleep for quite some time because it was already starting to get dark outside and the campfire was already lit.

John let out a sigh and slowly made his way to his usual perch beside the fire. He needed some time to think about what he had dreamed about and about what Teyla had said about sleep when they got into the argument. She was right all along. He needed sleep. Besides the pain from his stab wound and his disturbing dreams, he was actually starting to feel a little better. He was a little more alert then he was before and his muscles didn't feel as weak as they did.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Good……I finally found you." Carson said as he sat down beside Teyla at the table. "Have you found John yet?"

"Yes." She said. Carson started to get up when her next comment made him stop. "He was sleeping."

"You're telling me that after all of that nonsense, he went to bed on his own." Carson asked with a confused look on his face. He knew that John was and extremely stubborn person and him giving in wasn't really something that he expected.

"Well, we got into and argument before he went off to his tent." Teyla said. Carson squinted his eyes as if he were trying to figure out what the argument was about. "He was very angry about being drugged to sleep."

"He didn't blame you alone, did he?" Carson said

"No." Teyla said. She sighed. "But I believe that he was hurt that two of the people he trusts would make him do something against his will after explicitly telling everyone his feelings about it."

"Do you think the sleep made him feel more like himself?" Carson asked out of curiosity.

"He still was reluctant about telling me anything but I did sense a change in his mood." Teyla said with a small smirk on her face. "He didn't get a very sound sleep. He had a nightmare that I believe is about what happened on Atlantis before we fled to the mainland."

"Do you know where he is now?" Carson asked.

Teyla turned and looked at John who was sitting deep in thought staring at the fire. Carson made strange face as if to silently curse himself for asking such a stupid question. "Thank you love." Carson said before leaving Teyla by herself while he went off to get John so he could change the bandages on the wound

"Good evening John." Carson said in a somewhat soft voice after he walked up and stood beside him.

"Oh….." John said in a tired voice. "Sorry Doc. I forgot about Teyla telling me that you were looking for me."

"Aye." Carson said. Then John slowly stood up. Carson found that it was quite odd that John wasn't giving him any objections. "The bandages on your wound need to be changed so if you don't mind, I need to see you in the medical tent."

"Sure Doc." John said as he started walking towards the medical tent

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Elizabeth, there has got to be something here for us to do." Rodney said frustrated as he walked up to Elizabeth. "I'm going crazy just standing around all the time. I need something to do."

"You should think about what John is going through." Teyla said as she turned around in her seat. She could overhear Rodney complaining about being bored when everyone was in the same situation.

"Speaking of John…….how is he? Have you gotten him to speak to you yet?" Elizabeth asked turning her focus away from Rodney who had also turned to hear from Teyla.

"He did get some sleep." Teyla explained.

"Yeah…..you and Carson drugged him to sleep." Elizabeth said.

"No……he actually went to sleep on his own this time." Teyla said. "I do not believe that he is angry with me anymore." She gave them both a faint smile.

"Has his mood changed at all?" Elizabeth asked with a concerned look on her face.

"Well, despite the fact that he had woken up from a nightmare, he seemed much more like himself then I have seen in days."

"That's good news." She said just before turning back to Rodney. "As for you issue with needing something to do……..There is a group of people in our home and I'm always looking for suggestions on how to get them to realize that they don't belong there."

"Well what the hell am I supposed to……" It was as if a light bulb turned on in Rodney's brain. "I'll get back to you on that." He said just before leaving to go to his tent to so some thinking.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Well, your wound is looking pretty good." Beckett said. "How have you been feeling this afternoon?

"Just peachy Doc." John said to him as he usually did and received a grimace from Carson. John sighed. "Aside for the fact that I'm not allowed to do anything strenuous at all and that I think I'm losing it, I feel fine."

"What do you mean you think you're losing it?" Carson asked out of curiosity.

"I really would rather not talk about it." John said. "Am I good to go?"

"Aye." Beckett said. "But I want you back here tomorrow morning after you eat breakfast." John gave him a quick nod as he stood up and walked out.

After walking out of the tent, John scanned the campsite. He needed to talk to Teyla. He jumped at her earlier and it wasn't like him to do that. He knew that Teyla and Carson had drugged him to sleep only because they were concerned with him not getting any sleep for three days strait. He also knew that when he and Teyla got into an argument that afternoon, she had been right. He did need sleep to survive like everyone else.

Suddenly, John saw Teyla sitting at a table. He took a deep breath and slowly walked over to join her. It seemed she was deep in thought because she didn't even notice when he sat down.

"Mind if I join you?" John said in a soft voice. Teyla turned to the voice that she heard and the look of fatigue on her face changed to a look of surprise.

"John." She said. She couldn't believe her eyes. Lately he wanted to be alone but now he was sitting right beside her and it caught her off guard. She took a deep breath. "I thought that you were still upset with me."

"Listen…..about that." John said. He ran his a hand through his hair as he carefully thought about what he was going to say next. "The stuff that I said…….I realize that it was a bit harsh and….."

"Say no more." Teyla said with a smile on her face. She realized that he was attempting to apologize and was having a hard time finding the words to do so. "I know that you have been having a hard time dealing with the move to the mainland and the loss of so many people. Lack of sleep makes people do strange things."

"It's not an excuse." John said in a sad tone. He looked into her eyes. "I know that you and Carson were just concerned…….."

"John." Teyla interrupted. "You had perfect right to get upset. You did not want to sleep and we forced you to. Please…….give it no further thought. What you need to do right now is focus on getting well again."

"I'm working on it." John said in a fairly calm and relaxed voice.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_There you go. Chapter three is done. I'm trying to give more glimpses into what happened on Atlantis. I know that John seems like he's getting back to himself but there's way more to the story. Reviews are much appreciated so Thanks._

_I will probably have an update soon. I just had my wisdom teeth pulled so I have a few days out of work and nothing better to do then work on my story._


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its original characters.

_So this is chapter 4. I'm very happy with the reviews that I have gotten so far. I really am surprised that so many people have read it so far. This chapter is a little slower than the other ones may have been but the next one should be a little better. I realize that I have left a lot of the back story out. I plan to delve into that a little further within the next few chapters_

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Rodney smiled with delight as he looked over the notes he took. Elizabeth wanted some help on how to get Atlantis back, this was his idea. Weather she would like it or not, he didn't know but it was better than nothing.

"What are you all smiles about?" John said in a tired yet somewhat friendly voice. He didn't get any sleep that night but he was beginning to feel a little better. He knew that being around people helped a lot. Rodney was sitting across the table from him staring at a piece of paper with a bunch of scribbles on it.

"This may be a possible solution to our problem." Rodney said with a grin on his face. "Possibly a way to ah……get Atlantis back."

"You're wasting your time Rodney. Even if you do have a way to get it back……we don't have the resources." John said in a sad tone.

"Well, Elizabeth wanted suggestions and this is one." Rodney said. "Now if you'd excuse me…..I have to go show this to Elizabeth."

"Show what to me?" Elizabeth said walking over to the table and sitting down after overhearing Rodney say her name. She sat down at the table with her food. Teyla followed suit and sat down on the other side of John.

"Well ah…….you said that you wanted suggestions to help us get Atlantis back." Elizabeth raised an eyebrow, urging him to continue. "I don't think that negotiations are going to work."

"I'm beginning to think that myself." Elizabeth said still wanting to know what Rodney's suggestion was.

"I think that we should take Atlantis back by force." Rodney said with the same grin on his face.

"How exactly do you propose we do that?" John said in a somewhat disappointed voice.

"We ah……take a jumper out and land it into the underwater jumper bay and then…….well, I really haven't thought up much more than that but ah……it's a start."

"You do realize that they can detect us, right?" Elizabeth asked Rodney knowing that he knew that they could.

"That's why we would have to create a diversion outside of Atlantis" Rodney said.

"And just how do you suppose we do that." John said. "In case you haven't noticed, we're a little short on people." After saying that, everyone became silent for a few seconds.

"Well, I haven't thought about that yet either." Rodney said looking deflated.

"Why don't you work out the details and get back to me." Elizabeth said with a hopeful tone to her voice. Rodney gave her a quick nod, got up and left.

Elizabeth took a couple of bites of her food and then turned to look at John who had been sitting there poking at his food. "So…..did you get any sleep last night?"

John continued to poke at his food not paying attention to Elizabeth. "John." Elizabeth said to get his attention.

"Huh….what?" John said finally shifting his attention to the person talking to him.

"Did you sleep last night?" Elizabeth said getting to the point.

John shook his head as he poked at his food a little more. "I did take a nap yesterday afternoon though." John was hoping that it would satisfy her curiosity so she would stop asking questions. He didn't want to discuss any of his sleeping habits right now. He just wanted to get through breakfast, get the bandages on his wound changed again, and go about his day.

John scarcely remembered when Elizabeth left the table. He was so occupied with poking at his food. "Are you not going to eat now." Teyla said in a soft voice from beside him.

"Don't feel like eating right now." John said. "Too much stuff on my mind." John had a slightly sad expression on his face. There was so much stuff that he could remember about what happened on Atlantis and it was eating him up inside because he felt like it was his fault and there was nothing he could do about it.

"You are thinking about what happened on Atlantis." Teyla said. John gave her a slow nod. "It was not your fault."

"I know that but I still feel like there was something I could've done to stop it." John said in a soft tone.

"There was nothing you could've done." Teyla said. "You should not blame yourself for what happened. You know that it wasn't your fault."

"Look Teyla…..its complicated." John said. He slowly stood up. "I have to go. Carson is expecting me to check in with him." John didn't say another word as he left his plate there and walked off towards the medical tent.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

When John made his way into the medical tent, he didn't see Carson anywhere. "Doc?" He called out thinking that maybe he would get Carson's attention. "Doc, are you in here?" He didn't see Carson anywhere. Usually Carson was there waiting for him. It wasn't like him to have him come and not be there.

John sighed with frustration ad turned around to walk out. The minute he pulled the flap on the tent back, he was greeted by Carson. John didn't say anything……he just turned around and sat down on the cot that was set up in the medical tent.

"Okay Doc…..lets get this done and over with." John said in a tired voice. His tired expression turned to anger as he saw Kate Heightmeyer walk into the tent. "Hey Doc…..what's she doing here?"

"John…..I think that it would be a good idea for you to talk to her." Carson said with an innocent look on his face. He knew that John would not like that at all. He was a stubborn man and he liked to deal with everything himself with very little help from anyone else.

"Doc!" John said in a slightly elevated voice as he stood up.

"Look, you told me yourself that you felt like you were losing your mind." Carson said. "So I thought that maybe this would be a good idea."

"No thanks…..I'm fine." John said in an angry voice as he walked out of the medical tent. _Why would Carson do that? He said that he was fine other than that. He didn't want to talk to a shrink. He had nothing against the woman. She was a nice woman and she was good at what she did for a living but he didn't like talking to a shrink about his problems. He could figure them out on his own. _John quickly made his way back to the table where he was sitting before. This time it was completely empty when he sat down.

He knew that people were only trying to help him but he wanted to try and figure it out some on his own. "Back so soon?" Teyla asked in a pleasant voice. Just the thing he needed to hear. Every time he went to sleep, he saw nothing but the horror that had happened on Atlantis before they were forced to the mainland. Hearing her pleasant voice was soothing and comforting.

"Yeah." John said in a tired voice. John took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Mind if I join you?" Teyla asked as she walked closer to the table. John motioned for her to sit down next to her. Teyla happily sat down next to him with a smile on her face. She could see that he was getting back to himself little by little every time she talked to him. He was still exhausted but his mood was changing. "So……did you go see Carson to have your bandages changed?"

"Yeah." John said with a slightly unpleasant look on his face. "Carson had other plans though."

"What do you mean?" She asked not quite understanding what he meant by other plans.

"He figured that I needed to see a Heightmeyer." John said with the same unpleasant look on his face.

"He is only trying to help you." Teyla said as she looked into his eyes.

John sighed with frustration. "I know……..I just want to have time to understand things on my own."

"I believe that Carson thinks that maybe Dr. Heightmeyer may be able to help you understand things." Teyla said in a pleasant voice. She knew by the look on his face that he didn't like what she said.

"I don't need help." John said trying desperately to keep his voice as normal as possible. He was so sick of people trying to help him all the time. He just wanted to be left alone so he could figure things out on his own.

Teyla gently rubbed his arm. "I know." Teyla said in an apologetic voice just before looking up to see Kate Heightmeyer walking towards the table. John looked over at Teyla and realized that she was looking away from him. He wasn't entirely sure what she was looking at until Kate Heightmeyer walked around the table and sat opposite him and Teyla.

"Good morning Colonel Sheppard." She said in a happy voice.

John forced a fake smile. "Would you excuse me?" He smile disappeared fast as he stood up. He turned around and began to walk away when Kate continued.

"Colonel please." Kate pleaded with him. "I may be able to help you figure out why you cannot sleep." John stopped dead in his tracks at the mere mention about helping him.

John turned around slowly, making sure that Kate knew that he was angry. He walked back to the table and put his hands down on the table firmly. "Listen Doc." He said carefully sharpening his tone to reinforce his words. "I….don't…..need……help!"

"Very well." Kate said in a calm voice, despite the temper that John was showing. "But I was told that you were having trouble sleeping and thought that maybe you might like some help figuring out why."

John could feel the anger boiling within him. Why did everyone think that he needed help. He already knew why he couldn't sleep. He continued to glare at Kate with anger filled eyes. Kate had finally gotten the hint. "Perhaps I was wrong." She said as she stood up. "Have a nice day." She quickly turned around and walked away.

An awkward silence hung in the air like thick fog before John realized that he hadn't moved a muscle. Teyla put a gentle hand on his arm to try and get his attention but all he did was jerk away from her.

"John…." She said. Why was he pulling away from her? She hadn't been the one to make him angry. She knew that he understood that but she also knew that he would now want to be alone for a while to cool down.

"I don't need help." John said in an angry voice. His heart was pounding hard in his chest making him tremble.

"I know that John." Teyla said in a calm and soothing voice as she stood up and walked a little closer to John to put a gentle hand on his shoulder. "She was only trying to help." She silently scolded herself for saying that. She knew that John wouldn't react very pleasantly about it but there really wasn't any other way to explain it. That was what everyone was trying to do. They were trying to help.

John closed his eyes in an attempt to get control on his anger. He knew that Teyla was telling the truth but every time someone mentioned the word help, it made him even more angry. It made him feel like he was helpless and he hated feeling that way.

John had finally reached his breaking point. "I don't need any help!" He yelled as he flipped the table over, without barely any effort, and kicked the nearest chair.

The entire camp silenced at that instant as everyone turned to see John in a fit of rage.

"John!" Teyla said looking at him in disbelief noticing that he was trembling out of pure anger. There was no response out of him at all. She put a gently hand on his shoulder.

John shrugged away from her. "Just leave me alone." He said in a softer voice as he turned away from her and walked away.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_So there is chapter 4. John is still OOC but there is a reason. I figured that it might be nice to see John lose his temper for once. It doesn't happen very often and I also thought it would be fun to write too. I think that maybe heightmeyer may have seemed a little OOC but then again, that is just my opinion. you may think different...who knows? I really hope that you liked this chapter. That and I hope to hear what you think._


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its original characters.

_So here is chapter 5. Sorry it took so long to update. Again, thank you to those who reviewed this story so far. I didn't get any reviews for chapter 4 but i have for the previous chapters. It reallyhelps out a lot to know what people think of it. Also, thank you to whoever added the story to the Whumpaholics Anonymous C2. Please, tell me what you think of this chapter. I'd really appreciate it a lot._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Teyla didn't move a muscle for a few moments, not knowing how to react to the sudden outburst of anger from John. She didn't understand why he was so angry because people were trying to help him.

"What the hell was that about?" Rodney yelled in a state of panic after seeing John flip a table over without any effort.

Teyla just stood there speechless trying to ignore Rodney to try and figure out what she could do to make John feel better. "Teyla." Elizabeth said as she walked up beside her. "What's going on?"

"I need to speak with Carson." Teyla said and without another word, she turned around and walked away leaving everyone still wondering what had set John off like that.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Carson was just about to leave the medical tent to see what the commotion was all about when the flap of the tent opened to reveal Teyla. "Oh…..hello love." He said in a pleasant voice.

"Why did you ask Dr. Heightmeyer to speak with John?" Teyla said quickly getting to the point. She knew that him sending Heightmeyer to see him has something to do with him being so angry.

Carson sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I thought that maybe she might be able to help him figure out why he hasn't been sleeping lately."

"He does not sleep because he does not wish to." Teyla said in a slightly elevated voice. "And he chooses not to for his own reasons."

"I was only trying to help him." Carson said sounding slightly deflated.

"He wishes to deal with things on his own right now." Teyla said. "Sending people to talk to him will only anger him more." Carson had an apologetic look on his face as Teyla turned around and walked out of the medical tent. He knew that Carson had something to do with Heightmeyer stopping at the table to talk to him.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

John tried to get as far away from the camp as possible. He needed to be alone so he could once again regain control on his temper. He walked for what seemed like an eternity until the camp was far out of sight.. Finally he had some time alone. He walked over to a nearby tree and sat down on the cold hard ground.

Time alone was something that John could use, free from the constant questions from everyone about why he couldn't sleep. He knew why he couldn't sleep and he didn't feel like everyone else needed to know. He could deal with it himself like had dealt with so many other things in the past.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Teyla knew that if she talked to John, she might be able to get him to calm down. She knew that he was having nightmares and she knew that they were bothering him more than he led people to believe. As a matter of fact, he didn't lead anyone to believe anything……he kept to himself all the time and barely even spoke to anyone anymore.

It seemed like an eternity of walking before she spotted him. "John." She called out to him trying to get his attention without startling him as she slowly approached him. He was sitting on the ground leaning against a tree silently tapping his fingers together.

"John." She repeated herself still trying to get his attention. He slowly turned his head and looked at her with a sad look on his face. She continued to slowly walk towards him.

"I'm not going back to camp right now." John said in a sad voice as he turned his head away from her and tipped it back to lean it against the hard tree.

"I know." Teyla said in an understanding voice. "But just so you know……Carson will be looking for you soon."

"I know." John said in the same tone as before. "That's why I plan to stay right here." He sat forward and bent his knees so that he could rest his arms on them. "Besides……if I go back, I'll have about a million questions to answer."

Teyla walked closer to him and sat down on the ground facing him. "They are all concerned about you." She said not quite sure how he would react. He didn't say anything which prompted Teyla to continue. "That is why Carson asked Dr. Heightmeyer to speak with you." John looked up at her dead in the eyes.

"I don't need help." John said with a hint of anger in his voice. "I can't sleep….that's all."

Teyla sighed and leaned foreward. "You once told me when I could not sleep that it was Dr. Heightmeyer's job to deal with those sort of things……did you not?"

"Teyla….this is different." John said with a depressed look on his face as he started to remember what his nightmares were about.

"How so?" Teyla asked but before John could explain. "Is it not Dr. Heightmeyer's job to work with you to sort it out?"

"It's not that easy." John said. He knew that Teyla didn't understand completely what he was going through and he didn't know how to explain it to her. "I don't need anyone to sort anything out."

"I do not understand…..when I could not sleep, it was because…." Before she could continue, John continued her sentence for her.

"Because you were having nightmares about the wraith." John said leaving her in silence for a few seconds. "What you were having nightmares about didn't actually happen……it was just a dream." John paused and took a deep breath. "When I close my eyes to go to sleep, I see the people that died the day Atlantis was taken over. I was responsible for every one of them and they trusted me to keep them safe."

"John…….It was not your fault." She said. She had said this to him many times before but it still didn't do any good. "Those people that took over Atlantis were people that you trusted. There was no way you could've known that it would happen."

They both sat there for a few minutes in awkward silence. Neither of them knowing what to say to each other next. John knew that she was right. There was nothing he could've done but somehow he still felt responsible for it all.

"How long has it been since you've eaten anything?" Teyla asked, concern clear in her voice as she looked into his eyes.

"Last time I ate anything was yesterday afternoon." John said not understanding her sudden change in topic but glad for it all at the same time. He was sick of talking about everything that happened and wanted to move one and the more people tried to delve into his feelings, the more it upset him. "Why?"

"I was going to go back to the camp and I was hoping that you might join me." Teyla said with a hopeful look in her eyes.

"Nah…you go on ahead……I'll catch up later." John said making Teyla looks slightly disappointed. "I need some more time to be alone."

"Very well." Teyla said as she got up. "Be sure to come back soon." With those parting words, Teyla began to make her way back to the camp.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

By the time John had gotten back to the camp, it was already dark. He knew that just about everyone was asleep and that he should be to but it wasn't something that he wanted to do. He walked into the camp without the first idea of what he would do while he was awake when he suddenly saw Teyla sitting in front of the fire.

"Evening." John said in a fairly pleasant voice as he walked over and sat down in a chair next to her.

"John…..you seem……happier then when I last saw you." Teyla said after hearing him and seeing the expression on his face.

"I had some time to clear my mind a little and calm down." John explained. "Did I miss anything?"

"Not really." Teyla answered tiredly as she stifled a yawn. "A few asked about you but I simply told them that you wished to be alone."

"Thank you for that by the way." John said clearly grateful that she would keep people from trying to find him the way she did.

"It was not a problem." Teyla said as she yawned again and stood up from her seat. "I am going to get some rest. I will see you in the morning."

John gave her a slow nod. "Night." He said as he watched her walk away from him.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_There is chapter 5. I actually had a hard time writing this one. Its slower and doesn't really have any back story at all but chapter 6 will have a lot of it. I'll try to update as soon as possible but it may be hard where I'm working on two different stories at the same time. Please read and review. I'm so eager to find out what you think._


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its original characters.

_So here is chapter 6. Thanks to all who have reviewed so far. I really appreciate it. Forgive me if some of my information in his chapter is inaccurate. I have never been stabbed, nor do I know how it effects the body. I had a hard time finding information on first aid for a stab wound so most of the examples I used when writing this chapter were scenes from movies that I have watched._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_When John woke up, all he could feel was excruciating pain shooting up his side and flaring out through his entire body. He groaned in pain as he slowly lifted his head to see a knife still embedded in his body. He swallowed hard and dropped his head back onto the floor._

"_Rodney…..we do not have time." John could hear Teyla's voice close by. "We must find John and get to the Jumper Bay."_

"_Teyla." John said in a faint whisper. His voice didn't want to work properly with the amount of pain he was under. He sighed with frustration and took a deep breath. "Teyla." He said as loud as he could which happened to be just a little over a whisper._

_Teyla stopped dead in her tracks. "I thought you said…" Rodney was cut off as Teyla activated the radio on her ear._

"_John." She said into it hoping that it was actually him she had heard._

_John activated the radio on his ear and took another deep breath. "Teyla." he said in faint voice._

"_John……where are you?" She asked as she continued to walk with Rodney close behind her. She didn't hear a response and it concerned her. "John?"_

_John knew that he wasn't going to be able to explain everything. He banged his hand on the floor as hard as he could without jarring his body in the process._

_Teyla stopped again as she heard the banging. "What are we stopping for now?" Rodney complained as Teyla held her hand up to get him to be quiet._

_John stopped banging his hand on the floor and lifted his head up again to see how bad the wound was. It was bad just as he had suspected. The knife was still protruding from his side and he was bleeding. John slowly and carefully reached down and touched the knife. He flinched as what little bit of pressure he had put on the knife moved it slightly. He swallowed hard against the pain and held back a yelp as searing agony shot through his entire body. He dropped his head back and took a deep breath. This was bad……this was very bad. The city was under attack, most of the reinforcements were dead, and he was stuck, laying there on the floor with a knife sticking out of his gut as he bled all over the place. He needed to get Teyla's attention. They needed to get out of there. He took another deep breath and banged his hand down on the floor._

_Teyla knew she was close when she heard that last bang. _

"_I don't get it……why doesn't he just tell us where he is?" Rodney complained as he dragged behind her. Teyla didn't respond to what he said. She just continued to walk, staying as alert as possible while Rodney complained._

"_John." Teyla called out hoping that he would hear her._

_John took a deep breath, gathering all of his energy. "In here." John said as loud as he could and only seconds later, Teyla appeared in the doorway._

"_John." She said staring at him with horror in her eyes as she walked over and knelt down beside him. She immediately started fumbling with the pockets on her tack vest, knowing that somewhere there was bandages in it._

"_So did you find him yet?" Rodney complained as he walked into the doorway. When he saw John laying on the floor with a knife embedded in his side, he stopped dead. Teyla gave him a scolding look as she pulled bandages out of one of the pockets of her tack vest. _

"_Where's Carson?" John said in a voice just above a whisper as he looked at her with pain so clear in his expression. Teyla looked up at Rodney with a sad expression on her face as if to ask him to tell him._

_As she had predicted, Rodney didn't get the hint and she was going to have to explain it to him. "Carson is on the other side of the city." John closed his eyes in realization that he was in serious trouble. He couldn't move with the knife in is gut and the best doctor on Atlantis was on the other end of the city._

"_We need to get out of here." John said in the same faint voice as before._

"_And just how are we supposed to do that?" Rodney said gesturing to him laying there on the floor._

_There was a pause for a moment before Teyla decided to speak up. She gave John a quick glance and then looked up at Rodney. "The knife must come out." She said in a faint and calm voice despite the way she felt inside._

"_How are you supposed to do that?" Rodney said. "You're not even a doctor." _

"_It has to be done." John said. Teyla looked at Rodney and was about to say something when she got interrupted._

"_Attention everyone." Elizabeth said over the city wide com. "This is Elizabeth Weir. I know that I am not your military commander but I am ordering everyone from Atlantis to cease fire."_

"_What?!" Rodney shouted as he listened in disbelief._

"_I have been able to come to an arrangement with the General and he agrees to let us leave Atlantis with limited supplies as long as we leave peacefully. Please, gather some of your belongings and meet in the jumper bay for departure in thirty minutes. Weir out."_

"_Thirty minutes……how the hell are we supposed to get to the jumper bay in thirty minutes?" Rodney said starting to panic as he began pacing._

"_Rodney…you must stay calm." Teyla ordered in a stern voice. "Now we need to pull the knife out in order to get John out of here." She turned back to John who had his eyes closed, apparently focusing on his breathing and trying to ignore the pain. "John." Teyla said trying to get his attention._

_John slowly opened his eyes and looked at Teyla. "John……are you ready for this?"_

_John swallowed hard. "Just get it done and over with." John said as he looked up at Teyla with unsure eyes. She knew that John didn't really want to do it because it would be painful but she could also tell that he knew it had to be done._

_Teyla took a deep breath and reached out for the knife. The minute she touched it, John flinched. She was about to stop what she was doing but she decided that she would do what he said, get it done and over with so they could get to the jumper bay. She swallowed hard as she gripped the knife as hard as she could. Then, with one quick pull, the knife that was embedded in his side slid out leaving nothing behind but a nasty bleeding gouge in his side and searing pain shooting through John's body._

Suddenly, John's eyes shot open and he sat up in his tent. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed with relief knowing that he was on the mainland and that he was safe now. With that, he slowly got up and walked out of his tent.

He couldn't believe what he saw when he walked out of his tent. It was still dark. He looked around in confusion and then looked down at his watch. He slowly shook his head and walked over to the table and sat down. He had only been asleep for a few hours. It seemed like much longer then that.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

When Elizabeth woke up that morning, the first sound that she heard was a tent being opened and footsteps. She slowly sat up wondering who could be up so early. _It must be John outside. He is the only one who could possible be up at this time in the morning. Who knows, he probably didn't even sleep last night._ At that last though, Elizabeth stood up, slid her jacket on over her arms and stepped out of her tent.

"What are you doing up so early?" John said in a tired voice as he took a bite of food. He didn't eat anything the day before so he decided to eat an early breakfast.

"I heard a noise outside my tent." She said as she walked over to the table and sat down across from him.

John looked up at her from his food with an guilty look on his face. "Sorry about that." He said before taking another bite of his food.

"How are you doing?" She said making him stop dead and looked up at her.

"I assume that you are asking me about that because of yesterday." John said with a nervous look on his face. He wasn't ready to answer everyone's questions yet. Elizabeth opened her mouth to say something when John continued. "I'm fine……really."

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "Really?" She asked in a skeptical voice.

John sighed in frustration. "No…..not really." John looked down and dropped his fork down on his plate. "Look……I'd rather not talk about it."

"You'll have to talk about it eventually." She said. John's expression when he looked at her changed after hearing her statement. It was almost as if he was angry and she knew that she had crossed a line. "Never mind…..I'm sorry."

"Listen, I know that people want to help but I need to figure things out on my own." John said.

"Well, you know that if you ever need anyone to talk to, everyone is here for you." She said as she stood up. John nodded and took another bite of his food. She gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze and walked back into her tent.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_There you have it…chapter 6. I know it's a little shorter then usual but I really didn't think anything else would fit and sound right in this chapter. People said they wanted to see back story so I figured id throw some it for ya. _

_There are a few things that didn't make much sense about the back story but that will be explained later on. Hope you like it so far. Please read and review. I would really appreciate it._


	7. Chapter 7

Diclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its original characters.

_Wow….more people liked that chapter then I thought. Thanks to those who reviewed. It makes it easier to write when I know that people are reading it and enjoying it._

_So here is chapter 7. Again, the characters are a bit out of character._

_Sorry for it being so long since my last update. I ended up losing the internet for a while and couldn't do anything online. That and I have been having a little trouble with writers block lately._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

When Teyla awoke the next day, she was greeted by a very familiar sight. It was John…..sitting alone……at the table. He looked a lot better then he did the night before. Perhaps he actually got some sleep. Who knows. Teyla thought that since his mood had changed before he went to bed that he didn't want to be alone so much any more so she slowly walked over to the table and sat down across from him.

"Good morning John." Teyla said in a soft voice trying not to startle him.

"Hey." John said as he looked up at her.

"Did you sleep last night?" Teyla asked

"A few hours." John said. "I didn't get a sound night sleep but at least I got some sleep."

"Nightmares again?" Teyla asked in a compassionate voice.

"Yeah." John said with a slow nod. "I still cant help but wonder that if I had only…..done something." He looked at her with a depressed look on his face.

"John…..it was not your fault." Teyla said. "You were injured."

"I know." John said. He sighed in frustration. "I just….." John started saying but stopped dead when he saw Kate Heightmeyer walk over to the table. John could feel anger start to fester inside him.

John was about to say something when Heightmeyer began to speak. "Before you say anything……I just wanted you to know something." John didn't say a word. He just sat there in silence waiting for her to continue. "I know that you are going through a tough time in your life right now and I know that you are the type of person that doesn't like to get help from others…….but just so you know, if you ever need someone to talk to……or someone to listen, I am here. And so is everyone else."

"Thanks Doc." John said in kind of a sarcastic tone. "I'll have to keep that in mind for later." John quickly got up and walked away from the table. Heightmeyer sat down and sighed with frustration.

"I have never met a man as stubborn as he is." She said to Teyla. "Every time I go near him he walks away…..what about you, have you had any luck talking to him?"

"Not much." Teyla said. "He has told me a few things but he wishes to deal with things on his own." Without warning, Teyla got up and walked off leaving Kate Heightmeyer sitting there all alone wondering what had just happened.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"You're still working on that plan?" Cadman said to Rodney as he sat down while still staring at his notes. He didn't answer. Not hearing a response, Cadman quickly snatched the notes out of his hands.

"Hey!" Rodney said finally noticing her there.

"Lets see what you've got so far." Cadman said as she put the notes down on the table and began reading them. "You've been working on this for a while and I'm surprised with your IQ that you don't have it done yet."

"Oh thanks." Rodney said taking her statement as an insult. "Anything else nice to say to me…..please the suspense is killing me."

"Yeah……this is really clever." Cadman said in a serious tone.

"Oh…so now you're……" Rodney started to put up a defense when Cadman interrupted.

"No….Rodney….I mean it." Cadman said as she looked up at him. "I really think with a little work and the resources, we could make this work."

"You really think so?" Rodney asked not believing the words coming out of her mouth.

"Yeah." She said. "I mean, it would be a long shot but at least its something. I think that this could work if we get a little help."

"What about the Daedalus?" Rodney asked.

"Well, its not due back until later this week but it's a possibility." Cadman said with a smile on her face. "Then maybe we can go home. But whatever you do, don't show those notes to Colonel Sheppard. He's been acting out of character since we left Atlantis and he would just tell you that it wouldn't work."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"John?" Teyla called out as she approached John. He was sitting in the same spot that she had seen him the day before when he had flipped the table over and left. This time he wasn't as angry though. "John?"

John turned and looked at Teyla. "Am I disturbing you?"

"No." John said as Teyla walked closer to him. "I just wanted to get away from everything to be somewhere peaceful."

"May I join you?" She asked as she walked even closer.

"Go ahead." John said. She walked in front of him and sat down facing him.

"You know……Dr. Heightmeyer was not trying to insult you if that was how you felt." Teyla said with a concerned look on her face.

"I know." John said. "But when I told her that I wanted to be left alone…..I meant it." John leaned his head back on the tree and took a deep breath. "Besides……she wouldn't understand."

"Are you so sure?" Teyla said with a questioning look in her eyes. She didn't understand why John was so against getting help from others. She had tried repeatedly to get him to understand that none of the people dying the day Atlantis was taken over was his fault and he always agreed with her but she knew that he was still feeling guilty inside. She could see it in his eyes every time he looked at her.

"Positive." John said in a tone that told Teyla to drop the subject because he didn't want to talk about it. "Look, I'm not really that good at expressing my feelings and the idea of someone delving into them just irritates me."

"I know." Teyla said. There was a silence that hung in the air between them as neither of them could think of anything to say to one another. Teyla had never once in her life seen him this way. She had seen him injured before and vulnerable but she had never seen him so depressed. They had lost people on Atlantis before and it did not bother him so much but this last time was just too much for him. She couldn't help but wonder what was running through his head those many hours that he stay awake while everyone else at the camp slept peacefully in their tents.

"What?" John asked as he caught Teyla staring at him. He knew that there was something up and he had a pretty good idea of what it was. She wanted to know his feelings and what he was thinking and everything that everyone else was so eager to delve into with him. He just didn't want to talk about it. It was bad enough that every time he went to sleep he had to relive different parts of that day…..he wondered how he would feel if he discussed it with people. He had a feeling that he would be worse. A lot worse. He didn't get a response from Teyla which prompted him to get her attention by calling her name. "Teyla?"

She finally snapped out of it. "Sorry." Teyla said as she turned her gaze away from him. She knew that she was staring at him and she knew that it made him feel uneasy. "I was just thinking." She wished that he would talk to her and tell her everything that was bothering him so she could help but he didn't want help from anyone. He just avoided people and moped around all the time.

"You want me to….delve into my feelings too, don't you?" John said in a somewhat irritated tone. Teyla took a deep breath and looked up towards the sky. The lack of response from her told him that it was exactly what she wanted. He knew that he could trust her and if anyone could help him, she would probably be the one able to do it but he just didn't feel ready to do that right yet.

"John…..I know what it is like to lose so many people." Teyla said. "I spent my entire life seeing people getting culled by the wraith. It is painful to see and to be around but there is still hope."

"What hope?" John blurted out, his voice elevated more then normal. He stood up and began pacing. "Things were going just fine…..we were about to go off world on a normal mission when all hell breaks loose."

Teyla was about to say something but then thought better or it. John was opening up for once. She figured that if she said anything he would stop and it was best for him right now to just let it out. "All of the people…..every single one of them that I was responsible for…..all of them. They're dead now and its my fault. If we had just surrendered to begin with, none of this would have happened." He stopped for a second to compose himself a little.

"You know…..ever since that happened, people keep telling me that it wasn't my fault and how I couldn't have done anything to prevent this but I could have." John said in a slightly softer tone. Although he was quieter, his voice was laced with anger and frustration and pain that Teyla could not heal. "The truth is……I could have given them different orders……I could have told them to stand down but I didn't. I let them fight back…..I told them to fight back."

He began to pace again running his hands through his hair as emotions took over his body for the first time since he could remember. God….he was so angry at everything. "I didn't think that things could go so wrong so fast. I didn't think that the people giving the order to us would turn on us so quick. I don't know how they could. I didn't think that we could be taken out by our own people. They were supposed to be allies to us. They were supposed to be helping us but instead, they come through the gate and start blowing the hell out of everything."

He stopped again and looked at Teyla. This time, he didn't bother to compose himself. He had tears in his eyes but he didn't care. She was glad that he was finally getting this all out in the open. Keeping painful things like this bottled up all the time wasn't healthy at all and he knew it as well as she did. "You know……you say that there's hope…but where? SGC comes through the gate and kills almost everyone on Atlantis. Those of us who do escape, most of us are injured. We were kicked out of our home…..our home that we fought for and protected at all costs and now we're stuck out here in the middle of gods nowhere with barely any supplies, barely any people, and no help whatsoever. Where's the hope in that?"

John finally fell silent. Teyla was stunned. She didn't think that he was going to tell her so much. All she did was say that there is still hope and its like the control he had on his emotions had snapped. She had never heard him reveal so much about something that was bothering him and it left Teyla speechless for a minute.

She was about to say something when John sat down and began to talk again. "And everyone wants to know why I cant sleep. Everybody but you."

"I already know why." Teyla said.

"Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep, I relive it over and over again. Everyone that I saw die that day, I see it again when I'm sleeping. I see the blood, I see them hit the floor, and I see them take their last breath. I remember the confusion going through my head. Even I didn't know what was going on or what to do. And now they're all dead."

John looked up at the sky. Teyla could see the tears coming from his eyes. "I just wish it wasn't so painful." Teyla truly didn't know what to say to him to console him. She had never seen him this broken down about anything before and it was actually painful for her to watch. She got up and slowly walked over to where he was sitting and knelt down on her knees beside him. She gently rubbed his shoulder. He looked at her with tear filled eyes.

"Give it some time." Teyla said as John leaned in for a comforting embrace. "Things will get better."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_There you go…chapter 7 finally complete. I really hope that you like it. I was originally going to go for the whole John blurting out everything to Teyla but I thought that it just worked and that it seemed right when I wrote it. I'm wondering if it was the right direction to go with the story. Please, let me know what you think. Of course, nobody but Teyla knows his feelings now so I think I still have quite a bit to build on. Sorry about being so late on the update. Enjoy!!_


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its original characters.

_Wow, I'm glad that everyone liked the last chapter. To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure weather it was the right thing to do to have john break down like that but evidently, it was the best route to go with the story. Thank you all for reviewing. I really appreciate it. Getting such great reviews is what keeps me writing more and more because it motivates people when I think of who actually wants to read what I have written._

_Well, now that that run-on sentence is done…her is the next chapter. It'll be a little bit more slower then the last few and maybe a little shorter. I really hope that you enjoy it._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Elizabeth had just sat down to eat her breakfast when Rodney walked over and sat down facing her. Laura Cadman followed behind him slowly hobbling on a heavily bandaged leg.

"I think I finally figured it out." Rodney said making Elizabeth look up from her food.

"Figured what out?" She asked a little confused by what he was talking about.

"Figured out how we're gonna get Atlantis back. You said that you wanted me to figure out the details and I think I finally have it done." Rodney said with a cocky grin on his face.

"Okay Rodney." Elizabeth said as she put her fork down and crossed her arms waiting to hear what he had to say. "I'm listening."

"Okay….first we would have the Daedalus come close enough to the planet to beam someone onto Atlantis. They would have to be beamed into one of the lower levels of the city that doesn't get watched very often. Then we would have that person sneak into the power control room and disconnect the zed-p-m." Rodney took a deep breath and continued. "Then, with the zed-p-m disconnected, they wouldn't be able to track us so then we would have the Daedalus beam down more people in different locations all around the city in the lower levels with weapons and we take the city back."

"Sounds like a long shot to me." Elizabeth said with skepticism in her voice.

"Well, that's because it is a long shot." Rodney said. "But I think its doable and I think that it would be worth the risk."

"One problem though…..the Daedalus isn't here right now and like you've been told….we are running short on people here." Elizabeth said. "I don't think there is enough people here to pull that off and even if there is, most of the people here are injured."

"Well….uh…..as far as the Daedalus goes, its due back in a week." Rodney said. He took a deep breath before he continued. "As far as not having enough people, the Athosians aren't that far away and we might be able to get the Genii to help."

"Okay…..you've made it clear that we can get help but now it's a question of how to get a hold of these people and if they will even be willing to help us." Elizabeth said.

"Well, the Athosians arent that far from here so we can just go over there and ask them." Rodney said as he took his sheet of notes and folded it up carefully. "I'm sure we can get Teyla to help with that."

"Get me to help with what?" Teyla suddenly appeared at the table.

"Teyla…..we didn't see you there." Elizabeth said. "Rodney thinks he has a plan to get Atlantis back and we may need help from your people."

Teyla let out a sigh. "I believe that my people will be more then happy to help but John will not agree to this."

"I know." Elizabeth said.

"What….why wouldn't he agree to it?" Rodney asked. He hadn't heard what John had said to Teyla and John had kept everything to himself while he was at camp. John didn't feel comfortable enough to talk to everyone else.

"He blames himself for the deaths of all of those people that died the day Atlantis was taken from us." Teyla said. "I do not think that we should tell him."

"He will be even more upset if we don't tell him anything." Elizabeth said. "How are we supposed to keep something like that from him?"

"I am not sure." Teyla said with a sigh. "Perhaps we could distract him somehow."

"That sounds like a great idea." Rodney said with a stupid grin on his face. Then it hit him….how would they distract him? It wasn't a good idea unless they had a way to distract him. The grin disappeared from his face as he realized these things. "Wait a minute…..just how are we supposed to do that?"

"Again….I am not sure." Teyla said. "But we must not tell him." Rodney just nodded and walked off in hopes of coming up with a way to distract John as they went to ask the Athosians for help in getting Atlantis back.

"Teyla…." Elizabeth said in a questioning tone. "Have you spoken to John lately?"

"Of course." Teyla said. She wanted to tell her everything that John had told her but knew that it would only make things worse. She knew that he wanted to deal with things on his own right now and that he confided in her, trusting that she would keep things quiet. She also knew that if she didn't give Elizabeth some information, she would just keep asking her.

"Why is it so important that we keep this from John?" She asked with an eyebrow raised. "Did you get John to talk to you?"

"Yes." Teyla said. "John told me much of what is bothering him right now but he wishes to deal with things on his own right now. What he needs is space."

"Okay…fair enough." Elizabeth said still not satisfied with her answer. "That still doesn't explain why its so important to keep everything from him."

"John would see it as a bad mission……a hopeless attempt to get the city back and he would think that everyone going would be getting injured or dying." Teyla said seeing a questioning expression still on Elizabeth's face. Teyla took a deep breath and sighed. "He has lost all hope." She said with a sad expression on her face. "Which is a very dangerous thing to lose."

"No wonder he's been so upset." Elizabeth said. "Well, I understand now why its so important to keep things quiet."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Have you seen John yet this morning?" Carson asked Elizabeth as he approached the table. "I've been looking all over for him for a couple days now but he seems to keep disappearing on me."

"I haven't seen him yet this morning." Elizabeth said in a puzzled tone. "Why are you looking for him?"

"His wound." Carson said. "The bandages haven't been changed on his wound for three days now. If it goes too long without being changed, it could get infected and I don't have the medicine to fight an infection. That's one of the supplies that we didn't get a chance to get before we left."

"Okay Carson." Elizabeth said. "If I see him, I'll send him to you."

"Thank you." Carson said slightly frustrated. He sighed and walked off to the medical tent. Elizabeth didn't know that it had been three days since the bandages had been changed on his wound. If she had known that she would have found some way to get him to the medical tent sooner. She knew that an infection was possible and every day that he didn't check in with Carson, he was inching himself closer to having an infection and that would be bad news.

It seemed like lately, John kept taking off leaving everyone at the camp to wonder where he had gone and the only one who would seem to know where he was would be Teyla. She always seemed to know where he was and she was the only one who could get him open up. If anyone else tried to talk to him, he would get angry.

She had no idea what was going on with him and knew that if she had tried to get him to talk about it, he would just get angry and disappear again. Her best bet was to go find Teyla again and see if she could find John and convince him to go see Carson.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

John could hear people talking outside of his tent and he knew that it had something to do with him because he heard Carson's voice. He knew that he hadn't been in the medical tent lately to have his bandages changed but he wasn't sure what to expect if he did go. Was he going to see just Carson to have his bandages changed or was Carson going to bring Heightmeyer in to try and talk to him again? He didn't know and didn't feel like giving Carson the possibility to get Heightmeyer to talk to him.

The truth is, John went to his tent to try and get some sleep but he just couldn't close his eyes. He knew what he was going to see if he closed his eyes to go to sleep and he didn't want to relive that day again. He didn't want to see people die again and he certainly didn't want to leave his home again and have that same feeling of helplessness that he had felt that day. Laying there on a gurney in the back of the puddle jumper being told to lie still and try not to move. He didn't want to feel that way again.

"John…are you in there?" a voice came from outside his tent. He thought it was Teyla's voice at first but then realized that it was way too stern sounding to be Teyla's. Then it finally came to him. It was Elizabeth. He debated for a second weather or not to answer but then decided to on the basis of the fact that so far, she was one of the ones that hasn't been pushing the idea of sharing his feelings.

"Yeah." John said in a tired and slightly sad tone of voice. Elizabeth slowly unzipped his tent.

"Can I come in?" She asked in a soft tone trying hard not to make John get upset. "I need to talk to you about something."

"Yeah….sure." John said in the same tone as before. He slowly and carefully sat up trying his hardest not to pull at the wound in his side. Elizabeth slowly crawled into his tent and sat down next to him. "So….what's up?" John asked proptly to get things over and done with.

"Can I ask you something without you getting upset with me?" she asked making sure to get permission to ask him a question so that she wouldn't make him freak out like he did the past two days. She didn't want that to happen. The more time he spent by himself, the more and more withdrawn he became and that was not a good thing. John didn't say anything. He just slowly nodded and dreaded the possibilities of what she might ask him.

"When was the last time you went to see Carson to get the bandages on your stab wound changed?" She asked in a commanding but caring and compassionate voice John continued his silence and just shrugged his shoulders. Elizabeth took a deep breath and went on to explain to John what Carson had told her.

After she got done with her long explanation, John didn't know what to say. "Listen….I know that you don't want to go see him because the last time he tried to get you to talk to Kate Heightmeyer. And…..I know that you want to be alone but will you please just humor him and get the bandages changed?"

"…..Yeah." John said in a soft voice, almost a whisper.

"Thank you." Elizabeth said.

"Wait…..how'd you know where I was?" John asked.

"I just figured that you would be here." Elizabeth lied. She didn't want to tell him that Teyla had told her where he was. That would probably get him upset and then he would take off to god knows where to be alone and that was the exact opposite of what she wanted to do. She didn't know if John would believe her or not but she stuck to her story. He didn't say anything else to her. He just nodded. She gave him a sad little smirk and climbed out of his tent.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Hey Doc……you in here?" John said in a soft and slightly depressed tone as he made his way into the medical tent. He didn't hear a response at all. After hearing no response, John thought about just leaving but knew that if he did that, then Carson would just keep looking for him. He sighed in frustration as he found the nearest cot and sat down.

After a few minutes, John could hear Carson outside. He didn't say anything. After sitting there in complete silence for a couple more minutes, he watched Carson walk in and as he suspected, Carson hadn't even noticed him there.

"Hey Doc." John said in a soft voice. Carson lifted his head up from what he was doing at the sound of John's voice. "I was told you needed to see me." Carson slowly turned around. John thought that Carson would be angry for not checking in with him sooner but what John saw on his face was a look of relief.

"Well its about time son." He said. John could hear the concern in his voice. "You should have checked in with me much sooner.

John had a slightly guilty look on his face. "I know." John said in soft tone. "I just….."

"You needed time alone." Carson broke in and finished John's sentence. John was relieved that he didn't have to finish the sentence. He really didn't feel like explaining it and he didn't want to talk about things.

"That and I….." John started another sentence and had a hard time finishing it. He didn't like expressing his feelings with people.

"You were angry with me." Carson said. "The last time you checked in with me, I called Dr. Heigtmeyer. You were worried I'd do it again." John didn't say anything back to him but the look in his eyes told Carson that he was telling the truth. "You had perfect right to get upset so don't worry about it."

"Thanks Doc." John said as relief swept over his body. He and Carson hadn't spoken to each other since Carson called Heightmeyer and he was glad that they were at least back to speaking to one another again.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_There it is……finally. I really hope that you like it. It's quite a bit slower then the last chapter and who knows…you might even find it a little boring but it'll get more exciting later on._


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its original characters.

_So here is chapter 9. I didn't get many reviews for the last chapter but I'm glad that people are still enjoying it. While writing this chapter, I realized just how sad the tone of this fic is. I hope that doesn't discourage people from reading it. John still hasn't snapped out of it so enjoy._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_John knew that the day was going to go well. He just had this gut feeling that things were going to go right. He and his team were about to go off world once Rodney got the DHD fixed. He was in such a good mood that he almost felt like skipping as he made his way towards the gate room. He just couldn't see anything going wrong that day._

_He clicked his radio on. "Elizabeth…..has Rodney got that damn DHD fixed yet?"_

"_No John……not yet but he's still working on it." Elizabeth said._

"_How long do you think he'll be?" John said._

"_Sure……no pressure at all." Rodney piped in. John didn't realize that Rodney was listening. "I am going as fast as I can and if you don't like it……you can come down here and fix the DHD yourself mister I can solve everything because I'm a leader here."_

"_Okay……relax Rodney……im not in a rush. Take your time." John said as he continued to walk down the hall._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"_We have an unscheduled off world activation……" The man at the controls said. "I'm getting an IDC…its Stargate Command."_

"_Stargate Command?" John could hear Elizabeth say as he made his way back to his room. He was in such a good mood that he had forgot his side arm. It wasn't like him to forget something so crutial but things were going so well that it just slipped his mind and he knew that being the leader, he couldn't let others see him without his side-arm. Lead by example. That was one of his number one mottos that he followed. don't expect others to do things a certain way when you're the leader and you don't follow the same rules._

"_General……It's good to see you again." Elizabeth said._

_Then suddenly John stopped dead in his tracks after hearing a loud bang. "That was gunfire." He said to himself as he turned around and set off on a dead run for the gate room. Something wasn't right. Why would Stargate Command be here on Atlantis and why in the world would they be firing their weapons on their own people. Confusion and questions flooded his mind as he made his way to the gate room._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

John jerked awake. Why did he have to dream of that again. every time it was something a little different but it was always something about that day. Why couldn't he dream about them going back to Atlantis or maybe even having all of them people that died come back to life. No….he was stuck with the cruel reality.

John tried to let his thoughts slip away as he got up and made his way out of his tent. He had to try and think positive for a change. It was hard with all that had happened but he knew that if he tried hard enough, he could get back to normal. He knew that it would help if he started talking to people. That and….His thoughts slipped away as he saw Teyla, Rodney, Elizabeth, and Carson crowded around the one and only table they had to eat at.

He didn't think nothing of it as he slowly approached but some of the stuff he was overhearing changed his mind quickly.

"I'm telling you….we should talk to them too. They might be able to help us." Rodney said in a soft tone.

"They may not help us." Teyla said. "Our alliance has been tested in the past many times and we do not know how much they will be willing to help."

"If they will even be willing to help." Elizabeth piped up. "I still say that we should wait for the Daedalus returns…..They are our best bet."

"What about Colonel Sheppard?" Another voice entered the conversation. This definitely got John's attention. Who was it that he was hearing? Then he saw the crutches leaning against the table. Then it hit him. It was Laura Cadman. "Aren't we going to run any of this by him?"

"No." Elizabeth was strait to the point when she answered her. "He can't find out about this." There was a silence for a few seconds before she continued. "He wont go along with it anyway so we're just going to keep it quiet."

_Am I really hearing this?…..they want me to talk to people and start including myself in things going on around here and now they're purposely leaving me out of whatever they are planning. I don't understand this. Why would they do this to me? I'm the ranking military officer here…..why wasn't I included in this? I don't get it._

"What the hell is this?" John said in an angry voice. Elizabeth jumped and turned around quickly…..apparently shocked by his presence.

"John……what are you doing over here?" She asked not knowing what to say and silently scolding herself for not thinking of anything more clever then that.

"Wondering why I'm not included in this." John said in a angry tone as he felt the anger boil up inside him. Everyone went silent. Weir was about to say something but John didn't let her. "Actually, I don't wanna know. I'm told that I need to start talking to people and that I need to start being a part of things but you go ahead and make all kinds of plans without me."

"John….we were just…" Elizabeth started.

"Don't." John said. He turned around quickly and walked out of the camp and off into the woods.

"John…." Elizabeth called out but it was too late.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_I don't believe that. Why would they go on and on about me being along all the time and how I should start being around people when they go and make these big plans without me. Why would they deliberately leave me out of things……I don't get it. I thought they wanted me to get involved with things so I can feel better. Well, I feel like shit now. _

John was so angry. What a wonderful start for the day. He had already gotten a not-so-good couple of hours sleep and now he finds out that his entire team was planning something big and they wasn't even going to hint to him about what it was about. He couldn't believe that they would deliberately leave him out of it when it was his business being the ranking military officer.

They had been through tough times before and had always prevailed through team work. This time they weren't going to even include him in his own team.

"This is just friggan great." John said in a loud voice as he leaned his back up against the same tree he had sat under the past two times he had stormed out of camp. He took a deep breath and looked up at the sky.

"You should not blame Elizabeth." Teyla said jumping John slightly. He didn't expect anybody to be there with him. But then again, out of anyone, Teyla was the only one who knew where his little hiding place was.

"What are you doing here." John said as he picked his head up, but not looking at Teyla. He was angry with her, as he was with everyone.

"You should not blame Elizabeth." Teyla said as she slowly walked towards him. He didn't say anything which prompted Teyla say more. "It was not her fault." She continued to walk towards him until she was facing him. John slowly sat down against the tree and looked up at Teyla.

"Then who's fault is it?" John said in a disappointed tone.

Teyla took a deep breath and sat down facing him. She took a deep breath and searched for the right words to say to him so he wouldn't get too upset with her. "It was my fault." Teyla said in a soft tone.

"Its about what I said to you last night…..isn't it?" John said kinda figuring that it was what it was about.

"Yes." Teyla said. She took a deep breath. "I thought that you would not give the plan a chance. I believe that the plan will work. I just thought that you would not even listen to the idea."

John looked at her with a sad expression on his face. "You should have said something to me." John said. "I might have actually given the plan a chance if I had know something about it."

"I am sorry." Teyla said in a soft voice. She really didn't intend on getting him upset. She thought that if he found out about the plan, then he would get upset and that was exactly what happened. He wasn't so much upset about the plan but rather that it was kept secret from him. "I did not want to upset you……that is why I told Elizabeth not to tell you."

A silence hung in the air between them like thick fog for a moment. "What else did you tell her?" John asked in a quiet and serious tone.

"Only that you have lost hope." Teyla said receiving a sad look from him. She weren't sure what he would say to that but she figured that it would be best to just tell him the truth from the start. She didn't tell Elizabeth anything else. He confided in her and it wasn't like him to share anything so she decided not to break his trust and to keep things a secret. She knew that he what happened on Atlantis the day it was taken from them was eating him up inside and the fact that he, being the ranking military officer, was in charge of all the military personnel and it made him feel guilty because most of them people died.

John closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the tree. Teyla saw a tear run down his cheek. She knew that his emotions were getting the best of him and she had no idea how to console him. In the time that they had been away from Atlantis, John had shared more feelings and emotions with him then he had in the entire time they knew each other.

"I really am sorry." Teyla said in a truly sincere voice.

John took a deep breath and looked at Teyla with a depressed look on his face. "Don't worry about it."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_There you go. that's chapter nine. Please read and review. Id really like to know what you think. I know that the story might be a little boring but I plan on making it more exciting in the later chapters._


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its original characters.

_Here is chapter 10. Well, I only got one review for the last chapter. I'm not sure if people are getting bored with it or what. I hope not. I'm trying to get into some more exciting stuff but I have to get John a little bit back to himself first. It might take a while. But like I said……there is more mental whumpage in this story then anything else. Its about how poor Shep is dealing with his emotions with all the people that dies when Atlantis was taken over by SGC. There is a big reason why he is acting so OOC. That is coming soon so please come back to find out._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

After talking to John for a while, she left him to return to camp. She knew that he wanted to be alone for a while so she respected his wishes and left him. She wished that she wasn't the only one who knew how John was truly feeling. She felt that if he talked to other people about it, he would get it off his shoulders and feel much better. It would be hard to convince him of that though.

"You're back." Rodney said almost not believing it.

"Did you find him." Elizabeth asked with a hopeful tone in her voice.

"Yes." Teyla said. "I explained to him why he did not know about anything. I also told him that I was the one who told you not to tell him."

"And he was fine with that?" Elizabeth asked not believing what she was hearing. Why was it that Teyla was the only one who could get through to him? She didn't understand. Teyla was the only one who could calm him down when he got upset…..she was the only one who knew where he ran off to when he left camp, and she was the only one that he has told anything. She wanted to know what was going on with him but she knew that Teyla would not break their trust and tell her. She was just going to have to try and get John to tell her herself.

"Well, he was not happy about being left out but he understood why when I explained it to him." Teyla said. She looked at Elizabeth and took a deep breath. "And I made sure that he did not place the blame on you."

"Thank you." Elizabeth said. "Do you think he'll come back to camp any time soon?"

"It will be a while." Teyla said. "He wishes to be alone right now. That is why I am back so soon."

"Well, I for one hope he snaps out of it soon." Rodney said. "I don't mean to sound cruel or anything but we've been away from Atlantis for a while and he needs to move on."

"He will come around." Teyla said. "He just needs time."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

It was already dark again by the time John started making his way back to camp. He knew that people were probably worried about him earlier but he didn't care. He needed time alone and the fact that nobody went looking for him after Teyla left, told him that she did not tell them where he was.

When he got back to camp, it didn't look like anyone was still awake. That was good. He really didn't want to talk to anyone right now and he certainly didn't want to answer any questions from anyone. He knew that he wasn't going to be able to get any sleep so he decided to sit down at the table they had set up and just enjoy the complete silence.

"May I?" a voice from right beside him said. John turned and when he saw Elizabeth standing there, inches away from him, he jumped. John's eyes widened and his pulse quickened. He really didn't expect to see her.

"I thought everyone was asleep." John said.

"I couldn't sleep." She said and then gestured to the seat across from him. "My I?"

John didn't say anything to her….he just nodded. Elizabeth sat down and gave him a hopeful gaze. "I'm sorry about what happened earlier today." She said in a sincere voice.

"It's fine." John said in a low voice that Elizabeth almost couldn't hear.

An awkward silence hung in the air between them making Elizabeth feel uncomfortable. She had never felt uncomfortable around John before but the way his mood had been, she was almost afraid to look at him the wrong way.

"Listen John….I know it must be hard for you to deal with what happened but…."

"Hard?" John repeated. "It's impossible." he whispered.

A wave of sadness filled Elizabeth heart. She wasn't used to John talking like this. She always knew him to be a strong man who didn't really discuss anything like this. He usually cracked jokes or used a little sarcasm to lighten the mood when things got a little sad. She always knew him to think positive all the time and it wasn't like him to not be positive. She truly didn't know what to say to him.

John didn't say anything else…..he just got up and started to move away from the table. "Hey." Elizabeth said as she reached out to him. She missed his arm and caught him right in the side where his stab wound was.

John's face screwed up tight with pain and he let out a low moan. He knew that Elizabeth didn't mean to hurt him but she did none the less. She pulled her hand back quick and looked at him with apologetic eyes. "I'm so sorry." She offered him quickly.

John braced himself on the table with one hand and covered his wound with the other. "It's fine." He said in a faint voice as he tried to regain his composure. She hadn't touched him that hard and the pain was so blinding that he had to focus all his concentration on holding back a scream of agony.

After waiting for John to regain his composure a little…Elizabeth decided that she would tell him what she intended to tell him in the first place. "John….you need to start talking to people." She said in a soft, non-offensive tone. "Nobody knows what to say to you or do around you any more. We are all your friends and family here….we just want to help make things right."

"Things are never gonna be right again." John said in his usual depressed tone. "No matter how much I talk to people and tell them how I _feel_. No matter how much time I have to heal. No matter how many people try and _help_ me. It's never gonna make things right. It's not gonna change the fact that every one of them people that died on Atlantis was my fault."

"John…." Elizabeth interrupted.

"No Elizabeth!" John snapped. "Why cant people seem to understand? I was responsible for all of them. Now they're dead."

"It wasn't your fault." Elizabeth said. "There was nothing you could do." she added thinking that maybe he might agree with her. Though, his recent history told her that there was a fat chance at that.

"Yes it was!" John snapped once again. He didn't want to upset Elizabeth but he just wanted her to understand his side of this mess. He was the military leader on Atlantis and the majority of the people that were killed were military. There were only a few select military personnel left. "I am the military leader and I was responsible for them all."

"Yes….you were responsible for them." Elizabeth agreed. "But you didn't shoot any of them. You may have been responsible for them but you certainly are not responsible for their deaths."

"I could've done something to prevent it." John said softly as he walked around the table, still covering his wound with one hand, and sat down in his seat across from Elizabeth.

"How?" Elizabeth asked. She wished that she could think of something a little more intelligent to ask but at the moment all she could think of was how? Why would he think that he could prevent what happened. There was no way that he could change what happened. Just after the whole mess started, he was stabbed and was unconscious. How could be possibly help anyone or prevent anything if he wasn't even awake. And even if he was awake, its not like he could move anywhere to do anything to help.

"I don't know how." John admitted He truly didn't know how he could have prevented it. He just wished that he could have done something and kept denying the obvious truth in the matter.

"John….you were injured and in no shape to help anyone." Elizabeth said. "And besides….all them soldiers had the same training as you."

"It doesn't matter. I was still responsible for them." John said, almost in a whisper. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. Why couldn't things just go back to normal? Why couldn't all those people just stay alive to begin with? Why couldn't John just start feeling like himself again and not be so depressed.

"John…..you need to stop beating yourself up over this." Elizabeth said. She felt like she was starting to sound like a broken record. "What happened is in the past and there is nothing that can be done to prevent it now. What we need to do is focus on the future. We need to make the best of what we have right now and search for a way to take back what is rightfully ours." She took a deep breath. "What you need to do is stop dwelling on what happened and focus on the good memories that you have had on Atlantis so far. It'll help you feel more like yourself."

Elizabeth got up from her seat and walked around the table. John thought that she would just pass by him but she stopped right next to him. She gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze and left without saying another word to him.

She was right. John knew that she was right. It was the same thing Teyla had been trying to tell him for days now but when Elizabeth said it to him, it was more simple and straightforward. He did need to get over what happened. He knew deep down that there was nothing he could have done to prevent what happened and he hated himself for that but he could focus on the happy memories. Like when he would go sparring with Teyla and every time she would kick his ass. A tiny smirk shot across John's face as he remembered all of the times she had sent him flying to the mat below him. He could remember just how hard the mat was and how hard those sticks were when he got hit with one. God…..how he missed that.

There were so many happy memories that he had there. Like the time him and Teyla and Ford and Rodney watched football. Teyla didn't have a clue what it was about but she was the only woman he could get to actually sit down and watch it with him.

A small smile appeared on his face as he remembered his first time sitting down and telling horror stories to the Athosian children. He was telling some of the most chilling stories that he had heard or seen in movies but it didn't seem to phase them one bit. They were more interested in what a hockey mask was and wanting him to teach them to play football.

John took a deep breath and felt weight start to lift off his shoulders. For once since they had left Atlantis, John could feel at least an ounce of harmony seep into his body. John slowly got up from the table and headed for his tent. He was tired and with new thoughts in his head for once, he figured that he at least had a chance at a decent night sleep.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_So there is chapter 10. I really hope that you liked it. I know the story might seem kind of long and drawn out right now but it will get better. Well, I'll try my best to make it better. I am really looking foreward to what people think of it so far so please read and review. I would really appreciate it._


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its original characters.

_So……people liked the last chapter. Im glad. So here is chapter 11. Obviously because its after chapter 10. I really hope you like it. It has some more back story. Maybe give you a little more insight into what happened on Atlantis. Soon the story will come out…not sure when though. Also, there will be a little bit of Sheyla…some moments between the two that I hope will turn out the way I plan….I guess its all how the reader interprets it so tell me what you think. Please read and review…id really appreciate it._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

All was quiet the in the camp the next morning when Teyla woke up. She couldn't help but think of how tired John must have been. She had a feeling that he was awake for yet another night having haunting thoughts run through his head making him feel guilty about something that was completely out of his control. She tried not to let her thoughts and concerns about John get her too upset as she unzipped her tent and slowly stepped out into the fresh morning air.

She looked around and realized that she was the first person to wake up. That wasn't right. Where was John? She highly doubted that he was actually asleep. He usually fought the idea of sleep. _He must be off somewhere thinking. Lately he has not been sleeping so I do not think that I would find him in his tent._

Teyla was about to walk off in the direction that John usually went when he got upset when she heard her name. "Teyla…..what are you doing up so early?" It was Elizabeth.

"I could not sleep any longer." Teyla said as she turned and walked back to the table that they normally ate their meals on. Elizabeth sat down and let out a big yawn. Clearly she could not sleep any longer either.

"So…..I finally spoke with John last night before I went to bed." Elizabeth said with a small smile on her face.

"Did he tell you anything?" Teyla asked sounding quite nosey even though it was not her intentions.

"He actually told me quite a bit." Elizabeth said. "I still don't seem to understand why he still insists on blaming himself for the deaths of all those people. It was completely out of his control."

"I have told him that many times but I am unable to sway his opinion on it." Teyla said. She truly did try repeatedly to convince him of his innocence in the attack on Atlantis that left most of the crew and military presence there dead.

"I'm starting to get really concerned with him." Elizabeth said with a truly concerned look on her face. "He hasn't been sleeping well, he doesn't have regular check ups with Carson, and he refuses to talk with Kate Heightmeyer."

"Tell me about it." A voice from a nearby tent jumped both Elizabeth and Teyla, making them turn in the direction of the tent. "The man is too stubborn for his own good."

"Carson." Elizabeth said. "Didn't expect to see you up so early." Carson took a deep breath and sat down beside Teyla.

"Speaking of John…..where is he now?" Carson asked looking from Elizabeth to Teyla and back to Elizabeth.

"He's sleeping." Teyla said.

"Sleeping…….are you serious?" He asked with a look of pure shock on his face. For days they have tried and tried and tried to get him to go to sleep. They even tried drugging him to sleep but nothing worked. And now he was sleeping on his own.

"Yeah…..had a little talk with him last night before I went to bed and I'm hoping that maybe it helped out." Elizabeth said.

"It couldn't hurt any." Beckett said. "But just to be safe, maybe one of us should go and check on him." Teyla nodded and stood up. She was the only one that he openly talked to all the time when something was bothering him. If there was something wrong that he needed to talk to someone about, she would be the one that he would go to. She gave everyone a tired smile and walked away from the table.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_The pain was terrible when Teyla and Rodney got him off the floor. They couldn't carry him so they had to get him walking and the pain that he was feeling was making things quite difficult._

"_Ah." John said in a faint voice as Teyla and a very reluctant Rodney straitened him out so they could begin walking._

"_I know this hurts John but we must get to a jumper before its too late." Teyla said in a calm voice. Well, it was as calm as she could manage given the circumstances. John was her closest friend on Atlantis and to see anything happen to him upset her. When they first met, he was with a group of men who didn't share his friendliness towards her people. John was accepting and helped her people even when they had done nothing for him. He was loyal and compassionate which wasn't common among his fellow soldiers._

"_Cant we just give him something for the pain?" Rodney said as he stopped walking which in turn stopped them all._

"_Rodney….we do not have anything." Teyla said pointing out the obviousness. Neither of them were a doctor and they were nowhere near the infirmary to get anything. They needed to get to a jumper and quick. "We need to keep moving."_

_John could feel his legs start to give way. "Come on John……it is not that much further." Teyla said as she struggled to keep her hold on John. She knew that he was in pain but they had to get out of there before all the jumpers were gone. Then they could get him to Carson and everything would be fine._

**XXXXXXXX**

John awoke quickly. Why was he still dreaming about it. He thought that the positive thoughts that Elizabeth suggested would change things. Evidently he was wrong abut it and so was she. It didn't change anything at all. He still felt bad about what had happened and he still felt guilty about it.

He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his already messed up hair. There really wasn't anything he could do at the moment so he might as well relax and wait until things returned back to normal….or at least somewhat normal. He let his mind run wild with everything that had happened since Atlantis was taken over as he slowly unzipped his tent. He needed some fresh air. He needed to get away. He knew that everyone in the camp wouldn't agree with him running off again because of the way he felt about things but he didn't really care about what they thought. He needed time to be alone and if they didn't like it, it was just too bad.

Teyla was the only one that knew where he went when he took off but it didn't bother him. A small smirk appeared on John's face as he stepped out of his tent into the cool morning air. Teyla was the one person he could always count on. Not that he didn't count on everyone else and trust them but everyone else kept pushing him. They pushed him more then Teyla and Carson did and it irritated him. When he wanted space, he wanted space and Teyla was the only one who seemed to understand where his boundaries were. She was always understanding and put things into perspective for him.

Who knows….maybe she would find her way to him again. John thought as he walked through the thick undergrowth. He actually enjoyed talking to her. When he talked to her, it was refreshing. Someone who understood loss like no one else at the camp. Yeah, others at the camp had lost people but it was nothing to what had happened to the people on Atlantis. And others were probably grieving for them but John was responsible for all of them. All of the military personnel were under his command and they were his responsibility. He wasn't there when the really needed him. He was unconscious with a knife sticking out of his gut. God…what an embarrassing thought…how helpless he was because of such a small wound.

John shook the thought away as he found his usual perch under the same tree that he had sat under the past couple of days when he needed time alone.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"John." Teyla said as she walked up to his tent. "Are you awake John?" She asked and opened the flap of the tent. There was nobody in the tent. Where could he have gone? She and everyone else thought that he was sleeping. Evidently Elizabeth's little talk that she had with him the night before didn't really help as much as she thought it did. He did get a little sleep but not as much as he should have gotten.

Then it hit her. Where did he always go when he needed time alone? Where did he go when he was upset and didn't want to talk to anyone? She knew exactly where he was. He was in the same place that he always went when he needed time alone.

She was hoping that he didn't have another bad dream like he had had almost every night since they were kicked out of Atlantis. Odds are, that's exactly what happened. He was always having nightmares about what happened and it didn't matter how many times people told him that it wasn't his fault, he was convinced that it was.

She continued to walk until she saw a familiar figure. It was John and as usual, he was sitting under the same tree that she always found him sitting under. "John." Teyla called out in a soft voice trying not to startle him.

John slowly turned his head. It was Teyla. It was always Teyla. "Oh, morning Teyla." John said in a calm voice. Well….at least he wasn't startled. He actually seemed to be in a pretty good mood. Teyla continued walking towards him until she was in front of him. She knew that he wouldn't mind her joining him so she sat down.

"Did you sleep last night?" Teyla asked getting right to the point. She didn't want to seem like she was prying but she wanted to know. He had had so much trouble sleeping since the were kicked out of Atlantis and she was concerned about him.

"A little." John said with a depressed look on his face.

"You had bad dreams again." Teyla said in a knowing voice. She knew she was right but wanted to hear it from him.

He looked at her and his expression told her that she was dead on. He didn't say anything. He just nodded. She wanted to ask him all kinds of questions about what he dreamed about but knew that it would make things worse.

"Do you wish to be alone right now?" Teyla asked with a worried look on her face. She wanted to stay and for them to talk but if she pushed him too far he would get angry. John didn't say anything at first which made Teyla think that she should go. She started to get up when she felt his hand on her arm.

"Don't go." John said. The vulnerability in his voice shocked Teyla. She wasn't used to hearing him like this. It took her a while to process what he said. He actually wanted her to stay.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_There you go. That's chapter 11. I hope you like it. Please read and review. Im really looking forward to hearing what you think._


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its original characters.

_Thanks for the reviews. I'm glad you like the story so far. I'm still trying to iron out some of the details so certain things wont be in the story until later on. I'm also trying to figure out a way to snap john out of his little funk that he seems to be trapped in. something will happen soon though. I promise._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"So Rodney….have you come up with anything new to help us get Atlantis back?" Elizabeth said as she sat down at the table opposite him.

"Yeah Rodney." Laura Cadman said in a smart ass tone that she knew drove Rodney insane.

Rodney turned to look at Cadman and if looks could kill, she would be dead, six feet under, and in hell already. "Would you stop that already. You have been constantly hounding me about it since I had the idea. Why don't you come up with a brilliant idea on how to get us home…huh?" She put her hands up in surrender and limped away from the table to go to her tent.

"Rodney?" Elizabeth said trying to snap Rodney back to the topic at hand.

"What?" Rodney said much louder and harsher then he intended. Elizabeth gave him a stern look to get him to realize what he had done. "Oh…..sorry. What did you ask me?"

"What I asked you was 'have you come up with anything new to help us get Atlantis back?' I don't care what it is….as long as its something." Elizabeth said emphasizing the repeated question so he would remember it this time.

"Sorry." Rodney said in a sincere tone. "I wish I did have something for you but every time I try to think of a way to get it back…every scenario I can think of requires us to get help from someone. Either the Athosians or the Genii and personally, i don't really think either are cut out for something like that."

"How come?" Elizabeth asked. She had her own reasons for not liking those scenarios but she wanted to hear it from Rodney himself.

"Well, The Athosians are ambitious enough and we know we can trust them but they don't really know how to win a battle with people who have been trained to kill." Rodney paused and took a deep breath. "And lets face it…the Genii havent really proved to be the most trustworthy of out allies and personally….I just don't like them."

"I agree with you that they are a bad idea. And personally, I don't really like the Genii much either. Mostly because of our past discretions."

"Well, Im still hopeful and thinking of more scenarios so give me some time." Rodney said. Elizabeth gave him a nod and got up and walked away from the table.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"So Elizabeth told us that you two talked last night before you went to bed." Teyla said in a soft tone trying to make sure not to make him angry.

"Yeah." John said as he took a deep breath and leaned back on the tree. "She told me the same thing that everyone has been telling me….you know….about nothing being my fault."

"She also mentioned that your talk might have helped." Teyla said in a bit of a skeptical tone.

"Oh." John said and gave Teyla a little smirk. That was something she hadn't seen much of since they were driven out of Atlantis. "She told me to stop dwelling on all of the bad things that happened and focus on the good things that happened. You know….the good memories."

There was a silence that hung in the air between them for a few minutes. Teyla truly didn't really know what to say. She wanted to know more but she didn't want to ask and push him any further then how far he wanted to go. It wasn't very often lately that people got John openly talking and she wasn't about to do anything to jeopardize that.

"You know…I actually listened to her advice." John said as he felt weight lift off his shoulders again…the same way it had done the night before. "A little." He added and received a curious look from Teyla.

"What good memories did you think of?" Teyla asked but then silently scolded herself after for doing so. She told herself that she would be there for him but not ask questions. It seemed like the more questions she and the others asked, the more upset he got.

"The first time we watched a football game together." John said with a small smirk on his face. "When you, me, Rodney and Ford all watched football."

"The Hail Mary….I remember that." Teyla said with a smile on her face. "That was the same night that you told Jinto and the other children a story about a man in a hockey mask."

"If they only knew how scary that story is." John said thinking of the Friday the 13th movies.

There was a silence that hung in the air for a moment where neither of them cold figure out what to say next. Finally, Teyla decided to start talking. "Do you remember the day we met?"

John gave her a small smirk. "How could I forget." there was no way he could forget that. She was the first woman he met in the Pegasus galaxy. She was also the first friend that he made in the Pegasus galaxy and became one of the closest friends he ever had.

Teyla gave him a smile. "If it weren't for you, me and my people would not be here right now." She knew that he would agree with that. She wasn't just trying to cheer him up either. He really was the reason they were alive. "And if it weren't for you, I would not be a member of your team."

"Well…its actually my fault that the wraith are awake so I guess it want such a good day." John said as his smirk disappeared.

Teyla took a deep breath. "John…you and your people have given hope to all of us in this galaxy. Don't forget that."

John shook his head. "Yeah….some hope." He said in a depressed tone of voice as he stood up. "I'm gonna head back to camp now."

Teyla sat and watched in disbelief as she watched John walk away from her towards camp. Why was he acting this way? They were talking about good memories and he had to point out the one negative thing that happened. It was the day when her people and his people forged a strong alliance. It was the day that they met. It was also the day that he saved all of her people after the wraith destroyed their home. Yeah the wraith were awake now but her and her people were no longer targets just sitting there. Now she was able to fight back and actually have the resources to defend her people. John and his people had given them and many others hope that one day they would be free of the wraith for good. His people had become her people as well.

Teyla sighed in frustration and stood up. "What am I gonna do?" She asked herself in a whisper as she started heading in the same direction that John went.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

When John made it back into the camp…he didn't see much of anyone. It was a pretty relieving sight. Nobody to ask him questions and to hound him about talking about his feelings. God…people got so annoying at times. They just didn't seem to get it that he wanted time alone.

John took advantage of the camps emptiness and he sat down at the table. He sighed in frustration and propped his head up on the table with his hand.

"Finally decided to come back, eh?" Carson's voice startled John making him turn around quickly to see the good doctor.

"Oh hey Doc." John said deliberately ignoring the payback he got from his stitched up knife wound.

"I think its about time that bandage gets changed….don't you?" He asked knowing that John would be in there weather he liked it or not.

"Not really but I get the feeling that its not up for discussion." John said in a knowing tone. Now Carson knew that there was something up with him because he always protested going to a doctor….even if it was something serious.

"Well, follow me then." Carson said as he started for the medical tent. John followed without argument. He was exhausted and didn't have the energy to argue with anyone.

After getting into the medical tent, John sat down on one of the cots without argument. Better get this done and over with. John thought to himself as he watched Carson. Within minutes, Carson had the bandage off and was cleaning the wound. It hurt but John didn't have the energy to even react to it.

A few minutes later, Carson was done cleaning the wound and was starting to bandage it back up again. "So…How have you been feeling?" Carson asked as he gave John a concerned look.

"Okay….I mean, you're the Doc, Doc…what do you think?" John said. He knew what Carson meant by the question but John took it literal.

"That isn't want I meant." Carson said in a soft tone. "Have you been sleeping any better?"

"Not really." John said in a tired voice. "A few hours here, a few hours there…that's about it." there was a short silence that hung in the air between them.

"You're not still blaming yourself for what happened on Atlantis, are you?" Beckett asked. He watched as John's expression changed from tiredness to sadness. The silence coming from John told Beckett that he was right. John was still blaming himself for what happened when he knew that it wasn't his fault. There was nothing he could do. He was injured and immobile. He wanted to say something to him to try and make him feel better but decided to stay quiet while he finished up.

Finally, when Carson was putting things away, John decided to say something. "Look Doc….I'm fine." John said as he stood up. "I'll figure things out."

Carson just gave him a nod and watched him walk out of the medical tent.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

What Carson asked John kind of struck a nerve with him. The truth was, it wasn't his fault but yet he still felt guilty being the military leader on Atlantis. He had to do something to get out of this frame of mind. He had to find some way to make it so he could sleep a whole night through without a nightmare or flashback of some kind. All he wanted to do was feel normal again and go back home to Atlantis.

John's thoughts swarmed his head as he walked through the camp. Maybe everyone was right…maybe it was about time to accept help from someone. But who would be able to help him? He knew that everyone would be there for him and listen to him but who would be able to tell him what was wrong with him? Who could tell him how to get back to being himself again?

Suddenly all thoughts came to a screeching halt when he saw a familiar face at the table. It was the one person he was looking for. The one person that could actually tell him what was wrong with him and how to get back to being normal. The one person who's job it was to help.

John swallowed hard. _I know I'm gonna regret this someday._ John thought to himself as he slowly walked towards the table that, at the moment, had one person sitting at it. Kate Heightmeyer. He hated the idea of turning to her. Especially after flipping out the last time she tried to help.

John sat down across from her and took a deep breath. "Alright Doc…You win."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_So there you have it. Chapter 12. I hope I didn't make a mistake by ending the chapter the way I did. Maybe it's the right course for the story…maybe it isn't. either way, what's done is done and I don't plan on changing it any time soon. Hope you liked it and hope you come back for more._


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